The Ride of Life

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I realized something today; through sadness and sheer frustration. It is an entirely new sensation for me to experience and, having just realized it, im emotionally dumb-founded by it.

I cannot STOP my life.

This may sound strange to you because, logically, life doesnt stop. It ends, but it doesnt stop. You cannot stop it as a rule unless you end it, and if you end it, you no longer have it - hence, you cannot stop it.

Im not talking about ending life though - I realized today that, in spite of everything, in spite of the good, the bad, the great, the horrible - the entire shoulda'woulda'coulda - just like you cannot go back, you cannot stop going forward.

If I didnt realize this and hold onto it then... well, I would be in a crying heap.

Things are up and down, his foot is a mess and it isnt looking good for him. We'll know more on monday but this waiting is a horrible price to pay for not knowing the positives.

I know, it's just a foot right? But it isnt like this - this is a life that is going to change. This has a ripple effect - everything is going to change around it - and the parts of me that have wanted this, begged for the freedom that change might bring; they're terrified.

And im powerless to stop it.

I think, now, if I had the choice of a super power, it would no longer be to change who I am (shapeshifter) - it would be to selectively stop my life and take a break from it.

What a Day

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Went to the hospital again today. I know, I havent really kept any of you informed about my... plight with my parents, but suffice to say, it has been a battle.

I am a carer for both of them. They are both elderly and have major phsyical disabilities and, until recently I have been focused more on myself and my rather annoying (and emo) battle with bi-polar disorder.

About a year ago, my dad hurt his foot which caught an infection. Being a diabetic, this didnt heal very well and his feet began to swell to the point where he had serious trouble walking. We got him a scooter, adjusted our lives a lot for him and made some sacrifices because, as it was explained to us, being a diabetic, the healing process for him would be a lot longer than average.

Up until four days ago, his foot had been swollen, red with a minor sore on his heel. We had nagged him to keep his feet elevated and we redressed the sore every other day. It had gotten to the point where he needed a nurse to visit every other day to keep a watch on it. It was taking too long to heal.

Yesterday, the nurse visited to check his foot and. . . she nearly fainted. The small sore had turned into a giant black mass and had spread up the side of his heel - within a day.

She explained to us that it had that part of his foot was seriously infected, that his flesh was necrotic and that he had to go to hospital right away.

We took him to hospital, explained the situation to them and they told us that, as he had a general health check at another hospital tomorrow (today) the best they could do is redress the wound and send him home - which they did.

Come 2pm this afternoon, we took him for his general health check - and guess where the doctors sent us as soon as they saw his foot!

BINGO! The emergency center!

They could not believe that he had been sent home with the bottom part of his foot rotting. When we got to the emergency center, they also could not believe it and they admitted him immediately for treatment!

I dont usually bang our national health service, I admire it a lot and know for a fact that if we had a privatized system like america, we'd be screwed! But this was an appalling let down for us.

The doctors explained to us that if the very strong anti-biotic's dont work, that if they cannot surgically remove the infection from the wound, it will turn gangrenous - if that happens, he will have to have his foot removed. If he does not, he will get septicemia and die.

The doctor's follying around with him yesterday have cost him an entire days worth of treatment.

The nurse that came to dress his wound is furious. She cannot understand why there is a fast-track service if they wouldnt admit them to hospital without question (For my american readers, a nurse's fast track service allows the patient to be admitted to hospital for treatment without initial evaluation - basicly, they dont test them to see whats wrong, they take the nurses word for it)

The doctors from the general health center are furious with him, they cannot understand why a patient with obvious signs of necrosis wasnt admitted and treated immediately.

We're furious at him for not taking our advice to take better care of himself. For not keeping his foot elevated. For not helping himself. For just sitting there with the hope and self-understanding that it will, eventually, get better.

Im also incredibly sad for him. My father - my dad - is in his 70's now. He has been married for 50 years and they have never slept in a separate bed. Now they're in two different parts of the country.

We had to leave him because visiting time was over - and I was releived because his foot was in such a terrible state - but he looked so lost. He has had the same daily routeine for 20 years and not once did he ever complain about the monotomy of it - but now he just looks... he looked like the little boy I see in his baby pictures. He looks so scared.

My heart is both furious with him and breaking for him at the same time.

My mother is pretending she will enjoy the uninterrupted sleep and the peace of him not being around (as they argue like cat and dog) but I can see it in her too. She looks lost without him.

I feel let down. By my father, by the health service - by myself, for not being stronger for him.

I now know what rotting flesh smells like - it is suprisingly, sickeningly-sweet.

London Burns' Again.

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London Burns Again

London burns again.

In the ashes children play.

In the husks are games of hide and seek,

between the Blue guys and the Bloods.

The Sikh’s cry out for peace and calm.

The Turks take batons to the edge of war.

The innocent sit and shake their heads;

Oh it is a crying shame, London Burns again.

London burns again,

Yet no one wonders why.

The children own the alley backs

And throw fireballs at the Swine.

Their looting on the streets

and taking the Blackberry vines.

Word on the berry-vine leads them all

And suffering follows in their wake.

They’re taking things they can’t afford.

Is greed the answer why?

The innocent lives lost suffer their cause.

Oh it is a crying shame that London burns again.

What Brother?

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As I type this, my brother (the favourite) is currently visiting my parents. Im about to be demoted to the black sheep again (for the next two weeks) until his next visit (Next two months).

"Oh, how much weight have you lost?"

"Oh, dont you look perfect!"

"Oh, how amazing are you at your job!"

"Oh, how brilliant you are!"

Etc. Etc. Etc.

When he "forgets" to keep his promise and phone and call around and keep in touch, they will be cursing his name again. I will once again be the shining beacon of standard.

Until then though, two weeks of unfetted misery by comparison.

This is the best case for trash-DNA dumping I have even witnessed: myself being the trashcan.

My (FuckedUp) Imagination

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So I had this dream last night. Two of them infact. The first being about my sisters long-dead dog (Khan) - it was thanksgiving (keep in mind im british, we dont celebrate that) and we had no turkey or duck!
In order to save money, my sister suggested we eat her dog as it was already dead. I said to her "But didnt you bury him?"
"No," she replied "He is lying right here" and pulled back a sheet that was lying on the floor of her kitchen.

He lay there, skinned, his eyes hollow, his tongue unfurlled on the floor with flies buzzing around his pink body.
I was absolutely disgusted and shockingly (in my dream) I was the only one.
The dream switched to us all sitting at a neatly laid table. He lay in the middle on a huge silver platter and slices of him were on all of our plates. I kept thinking 'But he died of disease, I cant eat him!' and then I got really sad and started to cry because he was such a good dog, he didnt deserve this.
Through my tears I carved a section from the meat on my plate, put it in my mouth and began to chew. It tasted like mold.

The dream switched. Suddenly, there is a duck in my car and I am amazingly annoyed. Why? Because this duck doesnt speak english but wants to learn!
I tried to teach him but it was no good and we were driving around trying to find him a nice college that had a course that taught ducks English.

I then woke up.

Family Din-Dins

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Cooking for 8 people people has never been so joyless. Family dinner tomorrow - sisters gonna use this time to sneak a sip of my fathers medication.

The look on her face when she realizes ive replaced it with laxative liquid is going to be priceless.

On another note, ive given up on trying to be slightly happy.

Cant change me. Cant change my life. Cant change anything - why try to be happy?

Might as well bring the world down with me. Wait until the big PTB decides to put this one out his misery.

As I Sit Here

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As I sit here -

up the stairs and at my computer desk -

Down below in the heart of the house,

my sister sips my father's medication.

Oramorph is clear.

It makes you sleepy if you drink.

If I went to catch her drinking it she would lie,

she would tell me she were allowed.

Nobody of healthy body should drink the drink she does.

I tried to move it from her sight,

but she found it.

Every time she found it.
 _

She filled the bottle with water once

because she drank it all.

My father was in pain for that whole month.

We didnt tell him why.

That would have been a greater pain than all.

Time Worship

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I dont get math. Math and my brain do not mix. So, perhaps, this is why I find Time such a confusing concept?

What if things just are? We're told to meaure time by past, present and future. Ther paradox of that being is that we always live in the present; we cannot exsist in the past and we cant live in the future so, in essence, we live in a world (devoid of time) in which we count nothing but time.

Im confusing myself just typing this out right now, but try to measure time, not by its essence, but by how the world changes because of it. For example:

Your hair used to short. (PAST)
You are currently living with long hair (Present)
You plan on cutting your hair (FUTURE)

Strip away the "used to" "Current" and "Plan" words. What if we didnt meaure time by change? What if things just are?

Your hair is long.
You get a haircut.
Your hair is short.

Why define moments by memorizing them as a past event and then look to the future?

Im not explaining this very well. I... I guess im trying to imagine a world in which we didnt measure by time.
What if things just were the way they were and that was it? Things would still change, but the recognition of their change would not define what they were. What their purpose was etc.


It is a hard concept to grasp because we have lived with time for a very long ... time.

Time. You cant see it until it's too late.
I wonder, if there were another (alien) civilization out there, if they would have a better understanding of time than we do as we are now?

Serene

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Feeling oddly serene.

Perhaps im reaching the mid point again?

I should see somebody.

Old Habits....

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Ive taken up an old hobby.

It hurts a lot less than it used to.

Make a "Ross" List

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Feeling conflicted?

Make a Ross list.

Confliction lasts for as long as you allow it to exist. Take the conflict to the list and lead yourself to the answer.

Dissatisfaction only occurs when you get somebody else to do what you want to do, for you.

 || Pro | | Con ||

| |

| |

Teaching Them Early

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This kid pretty much sums everything up.

I dont think ive ever laughed so much in my entire life.

Family (doesnt) Matters

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Im thinking of dis-owning my older brother. Ive already kinda done it, like if people ask me "Oh how many siblings do you have" my usual reply is "Oh, just three sisters!" - but not out of spite before, more because I hardly ever talk to/see him that I just forget... but now I kinda want to make it a habit-forming crutch.

A nice little snide dig of my own.

Im aware its petty. I care to the sum of zero.

What has my brother done to gall me so? Nothing - he is just the perfect douche. He has the money. He has the car. He has the children and the "nice-guy" award from the community. Heck - somebody has got to hate him, might as well be his own brother! Am I right?

Fathers day today. My dad wanted a radio. He needed a new one so talked it up for the entire month. I SOMEHOW work out his coded "Buy me a radio for fathers day!" messages and all is well. That radio cost me £50.

My brother brings him a nice framed picture of him looking happily into the camera whilst carrying his two children - sunset behind them, possibly heading for his ass. And suddenly, my gift isnt as shiny or as wanted as it had been.

This isnt just a thing about gifts though.

"Im going to run the london marathon!" He tells my dad.

"Did you hear that?! My son is going to run the london marathon! Wow!"

"Yes! And im getting a new car!" He continues - and so follows a two hour long conversatioon about engine-mechanics and mileage to the gallon - and im sitting there looking at them, nodding my head and im thinking "Yeah, I have no idea".

I guess I should have just left the room so they could get on with their incest-fest.

I even got the "Why cant you be more like your brother-speech after he left.

Yes, im a pathetic jerk - I dont give a shit. You know what? Some days its all I can do but cry. Not that I have cried lately.

yeah, I think im going to revert to my 16 year old self and be all "What?! I have a brother!? Since when!" denile.

Yes. Denile. I like it.

Taking things for granted.

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Kinda wish I had friends right about now.

Zombies are NOT Monsters?

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Had my first zombie dream last night. I think its worth documenting.

The details are kinda vauge bcause to begin with but I remember it changing from something very serene into this horrible panic and need to run and hide.

There were 5 of us and we were in my house. The layout of my house is odd (weird stairs, you open your bedroom door and BOOM, steps!) and I told them to quickly follow me and hide with me in my room. They refused and rushed into an empty room.

This was odd to me, because my room had a bed and other materials in it, but the other room them ran into was barren but for a few empty boxes. I had to close the door though because, obviously, the zombies were comming so I did and I threw myself behind it.

I can remember them pushing with horrible force and there was this blind panic that I had to barricade the door closed. I began to think then that if I pulled my heavy stuff towards the door and just put it infront of it - all my heavy stuff - it might be enough.

This is where things get weird and very "dream magical-like" so even though it wont make sense, its because its a dream:

I piled everything I could infront of the door and waited for them to stop trying to push through - when it had been quiet for a while, I put my head to the floor and looked out of the bottom of the door to see if I could see feet - there were none - so I opened the door and shouted to the others if they were alright.

They told me that noise atracts zombies and to shut up so I tried to be quiet as I moved around to see what was happening and where they'd gone. Sure enough, the zombies heard me and came back so I had to run back to my room and close the door and again they tried to push it open, again I had the barricade idea (dream magic!) and after I while I looked again to see if anyone was outside.

A while passed in the dream (really it was an instant but it seemed like a while) when I heard a knock at the door. A nice gentle-rapping sound. I was so confused and I opened the door (dream magic! yay) and to my horror, a Zombie stood there - but it wasnt that fact he was there that scared me, it was the fact he looked a little more human - I remember thinking "Good God! They evole to look like humans!"

He put a hand on my shoulder and told me, in a very calm way, even though his face was angry, "You have to leave now. We dont want monsters here"

!!!

It was my very own "I Am Legend" - I become THEIR monster.

Sony Sued! Playstation Network Down!

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It's been more or less than a week since Sony switched the off-switch and now the horrible and enormous details are slowly slithering out.

Users and members of the press alike are having a field day at Sony's expense with critique and rambling messages of hate. This is now due to escalate as Sony's latest blog update confirms user details (including credit card and address) may have been compromised and gives them specific instructions on how to handle identity and credit card fraud!

Have they made a rod for there own backs? Is it better to be safe than sorry? Negative news is what it is and if the PR team cannot spin a healthier (and less grim) light into this current (HUGE) issue, Sony will lose consumer confidence!

The rumour mill is buzzing at the moment that Sony knew about the attack way before they switched off the service and to that extent, one Kristopher Johns, 36, of Birmingham, Alabama has taken Sony to court for not being able to take reasonable care to protect, encrypt, and secure the private and sensitive data of its users.

He also believes Sony took too long to notify other customers of the risks they face concerning credit and identity fraud!

This could possibly be the largest digital-data heist ever. With no time frame on when the Playstation network will be brought back up and no solid confirmation on how many of the 70+ Million customers worldwide may be affected by the data theft, this could possibly be the worst crisis to ever hit a Corperation as big as Sony, its console AND it's customers!

10 Reasons' Why.....

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________.Facebook is Evil._________

1)    It promotes unhealthy boastfulness – nobody cares if you get a new car or have just upgraded your cable to a superior package. Advertently, nobody cares also if your child/significant other/family member is really sick – you should not be on Facebook at this time, you should be by there side if you really care.

2)    It isn’t monitorable – There are paedophiles’ in this world who do find it easier to approach children via Facebook – and they will try and do it. They don’t have to use their own pictures or say who they are and there is not one person going to question the credibility of their profile until it is too late.


3)    It has spawned a very nasty trend called cyber-bullying. This is now recognised as a genuine problem amongst schools where children AND TEACHERS are being victimized and bullied via Facebook. There does not seem to be a solution to this problem as removal of the abusive messages from your own wall still leaves them on your friends and families.

4)    The bullying and threatening behaviour do not always stay on Facebook – it is not an unfair comment at all to point out that most violent behaviour (domestic and schoolyard) has been planned for OR has been the direct result of something written on Facebook.


5)    People can blatantly abuse their freedom of speech to praise terrorist attacks or murders on Facebook. Although a few cases have been brought into question in the past few years, all new cases remain unresolved due to sheer-number.

6)    Because of the above, it can be a great cause of emotional distress. If your child has been killed in Iraq, you do not want Islamic Extremist using their right to free speech to express how pleased they are about it.


7)    Thieves now read your Facebook pages to determine if you are at home or out before they rob your house.

8)    The Government monitors its pages to check to see if people claiming benefits are telling the truth about their current employment/disability status. This had led to a lot of totally innocent people losing the benefits they are entitled to (thus braded a benefit cheat) because they said one thing to arouse the suspicion of the welfare office.


9)    Places of work also use Facebook for reasons to fire unsuspecting employees. This had led to some totally innocent people being removed from work because of a post that could possibly relate to employer being posted on facebook.

10)    THE BIGGEST REASON I THINK FACEBOOK IS EVIL IS:

It encourages you to lie. Whilst not all lies are bad; some lies just have to be told out of necessity and some things you should just keep to yourself.
There are also things you should not know (or want to know) about your family/friends. Some things that can question your entire belief system about them, and all because they post them on Facebook.

If, like me, you have read Dante’s Inferno, you will know of the following saying:

“The tenth circle of Hell is reserved for those who lie to themselves”

Facebook encourages you to do this. Whether it be pretending that everything is going to be alright, to a pandering post on somebody else’s wall telling them it will be – even when you know it won’t be alright.
Even when you know that you are not alright.

Facebook encourages you to lie... to yourself more than anybody else.

The Curse of Being (anti-)Social

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Being a people reader (I dont just say that for the fun of it, ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you, I can spookily read a lot out of a first impression) is sometimes more a curse than a blessing.

Sure, it has saved me from some of the most barmy and weirdest relationships (one guy was into his mother - in a sex way) that have approached me, but it is at times when family...

Yeah, you know where this is going! This is why I think Facebook is remarkably evil -  (Thats tomorrows blog-post!) there are just some things family members should not share. Some things they should not know about each other. Some aspect of their lives should just be kept to themselves... being a people reader, however, I tend to look a little deeper into everything.

My sister (the one from previous posts) said something... amazingly awful about me, in front of everybody - but in a funny way, so therefore, it isnt an insult and I shouldnt over-react because she ment it - but in a funny way.

I know right?

Im in a bad place right now. I dont really want to blog about my emo-side too much because it just fuels my saddness rather than quells it. But im in a bad place emotionally and its making me both angry and timid.

If I were my old self, she wouldnt have standed a chance after saying that - I would have been down her throat (verbally) so fast that she would gag with horror on the torrent of truth I would have unleashed.

Truth is, where I am now, I just went into another room and tried to stop myself from crying. I didnt want to give her the satisfaction.

I cant stop reading between the lines about it. Just the way she said it; the way she looked at me when she said it - so pointedly and with a smirk-- this is when being a people reader is a curse. You cant stop reading them. long after they're gone. Long after the damage has been done.

Working the Words

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The power of words is unquestionable. Or at least it should be.

Today, I found a few mundane words that, when put together, envoke an emotive response that - has 16 times out of 20 - been extreme enough to request the discussion cease.

I am going to share with you the words and tell you how I placed them in a sentence but I cannot tell you how to do it.

I was merely hostage to a very dark and Bad Memory last night. I was in a group of people who were full of distractions for me to pull away from it but this Bad Memory continued to pull me back in.

The day after, I was subject of a rather Good Memory but that experience was all too fleeting. When you experience the Bad Memories like I do, you try to hold onto the Good Memories

when you get them.

That is how I worked it into a conversation. You are probably reading this and thinking "WTF are you talking about you weird fucking-goose!" - read it again.

If you have refused to do so as, by your reasoning, "it makes no sense!/I understand it already and dont need to!/It is senseless so what is the point!" then I have got you.

If literature is to be believed, then (should you be educated enough to understand their meanings) I should have trapped you in an emotive enviroment and your unwillingness to reread it in order to understand it as I am telling it is due to the fact the highlighted words have envoked an emotional response.

Yes. It is as simple as that. It is the same as telling somebody not to look down; but on a much finer median. This is how a lot of cold readings happen, your reaction to a specific word trees off into a small number of different - but predictable - possibilities. For example:

If I were to walk upto you and say nothing else other than "Bad Memory." your brain would breifly fire up images of a bad memory you have experienced. Depending on your strengh of character, you would be able to shake off this memory and carry on trying to work out the context of the words I have said.

However, if I were to bombard you with these words, I would be able to trap you in a very emotional reaction.

I have tried and tested this. If you are direct like me and have very little in the way of friends, then their feelings become less of an issue to mess around with and more of an intriguing idea to study.

I was caught in a bad memory when I discovered this, but at the time I was able to pull myself out of it by confirming it was a bad memory. When i replayed the words "Bad Memory" in my head, it kick-started the bad memory I was experiencing - this intrigued me.

I decided to experiment: I turned to another person sitting across from me, made eye contact and said "Bad Memory" aloud. His reaction was one of puzzlement, so I said it again and a thid time before he became flustered and asked me "Please, what are you doing? What do you want?"

If a single word can envoke such an emotional reponse, then you have a power over that person. Obviously, it does not work on 100% of people (nothing ever does!) but to catch somebody in it is almost satisfying - if you crave power like I do (If I were a superhero, i'd be evil)

Bad Memory - provides a negative emotive response.

Good Memory - a Positive emotive response.

Bad Memory.

Bad memory.

Bad Memory.

Another - this is important. When you get somebody in the cycle, when you can see that by saying "Bad Memory" to them you are actively making them remember a bad memory, simply say "Another" next, to change the bad memory for another one, and then continue with the cycle:

Bad Memory.

Bad Memory.

Bad Memory.

Another.

Bad Memory.

Bad Memory.

Bad Memory.

Another.

Bad Memory.

Bad Memory.

This is usually the time when the person loses emotional control. Depending on their personality, they're either likely to cry or punch you.

My nose is sore today, but I learnt something new about the human condition! Yay me!

Shock Saturday!

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I had the most amusing idea today. It is kind of shocking and I only entertained the idea itself as it is something I would never ever think about - but I did.

Ok, my idea is a simple one:

PPI - Procreation Protection Insurance.

We all know that some of our most wonderful children in the world happened accidentally. I mean, let’s not pretend that quick romp in the broom closet at work was the most romantic place to try and conceive a child, but 50% of the time, children conceived this way turn out to be an amazing addition to our lives.

But what about the other "accidental" 50% which suddenly turn our lives upside down? They can be traumatic, stressful, can halt or finish careers and tear families - even the couples themselves - apart. These children can sometimes grow up in unhealthy, un-dynamic families where they can suffer all kinds of abuse which can scar them for life.

This is where PPI comes into play.

Let’s say that you are a man who has PPI insurance. Now you start paying a monthly fee (much as you would dental or health insurance) and you are required, by law, to always wear protection whilst engaging in sex.

Now let’s say you sleep with a woman and your protection fails and she falls pregnant. You decide you do not want a child at this time but the woman decides to keep the child - your PPI would cover this. The woman would receive insurance payouts for all the hospital and medical costs during pregnancy and then for the first year of the child’s life (to cover maternity expense and loss of earnings) - and that is it.
As you are covered with PPI, you wave your legal right to be a parent to this child. Including all the costs that go with it.

Now, before you start to fire off the angry e-mails to me, let’s take into account some facts from this fictional case:

A man cannot demand a woman have an abortion as it is her body.
A woman can demand a man pay for child support - even though he requested his desire not to have children.
For PPI to work, sexual protection in the form of condoms or the morning after pill or a diaphragm becomes a legal requirement during sex. If you were to have sex, whilst covered with PPI and not wear protection and then express your desire not to have anything to do with your child, your claim would become void and you would legally have to pay child support for the rest of the child’s early life.

Let’s reverse the role now and say that you're a woman. You have PPI insurance but you have managed to fall pregnant. You do not want to keep this baby; however, your significant other would love a child and requests that you keep it.

Legally, as it is your body, you are entitled to an abortion without your other half's consent. With PPI insurance, if your significant other requests it, you would (legally) have to bring the child to full term. All medical expenses would be paid during the pregnancy and for a year afterwards until you have returned to work or found meaningful employment.
After the birth, as you have PPI and have requested that you do not wish to be a part of the child’s life, you wave your right as a parent as well as any child support you would (usually) be required to pay.

Again, before you start to fire off angry emails to me about women's rights, let’s take into account some facts from this fictional case:


That a woman can have an abortion, even if the father is ready, willing and able to take care and provide for the baby, is grossly unfair. This should not be about a woman’s right to give birth or not, it should be about the equal right of both the man and the woman as it is required by nature itself for two people to conceive a child.


The woman in this case is covered by PPI, which would pay out every expense during the pregnancy, birth and for a year afterwards.
Also keep in mind that contraception is a legal requirement.


If either parent were to falter - example... they say "No I want to keep the baby" but they don’t do it - they will be prosecuted for fraud. They would have to pay out 18 years worth of insurance so that this baby can be cared for, free of charge, by a foster/adoptive family. They would also wave their legal rights as parents.


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I know its kind of lame and it probably legally wouldn’t work - I mean how could you tell if that guy was wearing that condom? Or if she did take the morning after pill or not!


And again, as shocking as it sounds, this is just something I thought about whilst reading the newspaper. Just one random thought that I found entertaining to entertain.
So this is in no way my view of how the world should work.


Wow, my mind thinks of some weird things.

Thinks'a'lot

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If you were to know me personally, I would hazard a guess that you would think my magazine subscriptions bizarre - not that I read Bizarre (much too crass) - but I am more inclined to the more alternative thoughts and opinions that people lay grace to paper.

For example, I read a most intriguing article the other day about the Phelps' Family and how they had reasoned that Obama was the anti-Christ (and, thusly, the world would end soon, that is if God doesn’t 'tarry) - apparently, just after he was elected, they watched him on TV and... They just KNEW he was the anti-Christ. And from that day forth...

You get the idea? Not that I agree with most of the views I read: I do it purely to experience something new; to try to ascertain the answer WHY somebody would think that way.

For the Phelps'... it is simple - an abusive father. A Patriarch who ruled with a rod of iron and installed an AWEsome fear within his children.

I digress though. Sitting in the paper rack of my coffee table, you are more likely to find the latest issue of Fortean Times or Paranormal Magazine than you would... Men’s Health and... I dunno... gay porn?

I was reading a very long (seven fucking pages) laughable article on Bram Stoker (and how he came about with his Dracula book) which was accompanied with really bizarre pictures of a woman (headshot) who was drooling blood and had a bite mark on her neck. They were not even good pictures, she looked about 45 trying to be 35 - I digress again though! - The article was by some amazingly pretentious chap (whose name I have forgotten) and... Well, he didn’t tell us anything that hasn’t already been written about Bram Stoker.

"I was looking for connections to Bram Stoker and Freemasonry - turns out he wasn’t a member... or was he and it’s all a big conspiracy?" - As you can imagine, it was truly gripping stuff.

I doubt anybody would care if Mr Stoker was a Freemason though... and if they did well... he's kind of dead now (Or is he? WhooooOooOoOoOo!) And is less than forthcoming about his experiences about it.

So what was the point of this seven pages article (which summarized the book itself for 3 pages!)? "We already knew pretty much everything but here it is again JUST INCASE!"

They pay people for that. I sit here giving out spiel in my blog for free and this chap is making a mint giving out spiel in magazines. How is that fair?

Annoyance

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I'm annoyed. Things are currently not going to plan - instead, they have decided to screech to a halt until another few years of my life have passed me by.

Is it/Am I wrong to think that , if you KNOW you can do it, you should just be able to jump into the role and do it?

Perhaps so. According to law, indeed it may be (dependant on what you do) - hmm, perhaps I shouldnt have snapped back so thusly when my employer questioned my motives?

True to my life and as pathetic as it sounds, I have always been a late-bloomer. By no means am I slow on the uptake! But dipping my toe in the water takes time for me.

I know, im ranting on here and I said I would never do it again and, I swear, I wont after this! But if there was ever a time for the universe to cut me a break - now would be it! Forget about my compulsive need to win the lottery Universe! Help me achieve a meaningful life!

The Face's of News

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This morning I was sitting, yawning through the newspaper when I realised something: I hate journalists! And not just your random, run-of-the-mill journalists (who gave me HELL during my theatre days) but the journalists who also have to be on TV and think, for some obscure fucking reason, that writing about their own lives is for some reason news-worthy and get a dedicated two-part feature printed about them in the paper they work for (With added advertisement on the front page!!!)

I am incredibly sorry Sue Carroll (Mirror tacky-columnist since 1812) but I have sat through your page-long articles long enough and I shall hold my tongue no longer (read the article HERE):

Now you may be the most lovely and remarkable woman in the world, but - and this may shock you Sue Carroll - I don’t care that you have had cancer. I don’t care you put up a brave fight for eight months to overcome your cancer.
More power to you for doing so! But what exactly makes it news worthy when Jenny Elision from down the road is currently fighting it and has two young children to look after at the same time? Why should I care about you having and getting over cancer when Bob the plumber from the next town over also has it but has no family to lean on and no financial support to cover his loss of earnings?

Why do you deserve to be on the front page of a national newspaper? - Above a rather more interesting headline, may I add! And how much did you get paid for the pleasure of verbally spilling your guts out?

I can put up with Polly Hudson's fringe (even though it makes her look like a psycho-moose!) and questionable liking of Justin Beiber (which, frankly, borders paedophilic "Here is another picture of Justin looking HOT!"....) and her fantasy that she is, somehow, that character Sarah Jessica parker played from Sex and the City.

I can even (just about) put up with the laughable agony-aunt "PLEASE I NEED TO BE FAMOUS GET ME ON EVERYTHING" Coleen Nolan - Come on Coleen, let it go, the 70's is over, grow old gracefully and stop talking about sex, you're too old for it you trout-faced heffer!

But this reporter (I’m not including Coleen in that title because all she does is fucking moan about her sex life) and Coleen are bearable and do not invade the front page of a national newspaper, ABOVE headlines that are, frankly, more fucking important!

I am offended that anybody would think reading THAT article over the one about the troops being killed is, somehow, more newsworthy. Tactless and crass journalism with no thought for the "ordinary" people it claims to stand for!

I hope you feel at least a little bit of shame! Both Sue Carroll and the Daily Mirror!

The Tides of Man

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The moon is closer to the earth this evening, pulling not only on the ebbs and waves of the ocean, but on the tides of man and woman.

It makes my mind wander and wonder: how will this affect us? - how does it affect us? We are... what? Enter-percentage amount of water here - do we flow in currents too? In waves that lick the coast of our own emoiton?

Will it makes us braver for one night? Or meek for the weak? I havent heard any howls towards the sky yet...

Some people argue it's significance to the menstral-cycle. Other's attribute it to changes in our brain - it can make us blue or see such a red mist - "It brings out ALL the crazies"

I like the moon. I think it is pretty.

I wonder what the world woulkd be like without it. The many inspirations that we know of today would be nothing? Would we even have a word for it? Would our tides still rise and fall without it?

The Tides of Man.

Colour of Contradiction

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Red. It is the colour of our hearts. The colour of blood. It symbolizes love, lust and passion.

It is also the colour of Stop, Danger, Anger and Dont.

Doesnt it just make you wonder?

Somnium Erotica

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I had the weirdest sex-dream last night. I wont go into details but suffice to say, I didnt realise I found such acts a turn on. It has genuinely left me contemplating certin aspects of myself.

Perhaps it's the sleep deprivation?

More questions than answers!

Big & Annoying!

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Big-annoying day tomorrow! I have to get up at 7:30am to be ready for the electric people to come and rewire the entire house.

I just have this horrible gut-feeling that they're going to be aggressive-macho male-types who will take some morbid pleasure in complaining about me, to me.
I have to be on my A-game here. I have to be that guy who demands excellence. I have to be that guy I thought I had left behind; that guy who is all "Well it isnt fucking rocket-science, just get it done!"

Perhaps there is a strengh to being bossy and forward, but I would rather do with please and thank yous'.
On the plus side, im going to be sleepy (as im not a morning person AT ALL) and ergo, grumpy. I've noticed, during the mornings im awake, im more inclined to say what I think about a person with very little remorse for their feelings... untill late-afternoon.

So wish me luck world! And be kind! Im comming to get ya and there is sod all you can do about it!

A New Wave!

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Readers, re-direct all your positive thoughts to the people of Japan. That was one mighty-big earthquake to hit such a small place on the map.

Send them all the good energy you can muster.

KEEP ON ROCKIN' JAPAN!

Letting IT Go

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No, not the scary clown IT, but the big pink elephant in the metaphorical room in-my-head IT: My anger. My Rage. My anxiety. My compulsive need to feel justice... in ANY form.

I feel like I get wronged and I cannot let go until I have been "righted", until I feel I have been vindicated in some way or another. I need to let this go, I read in a health journel that it can have a detremental effect on your bowels.

I need to write more. I wrote a few interesting poems the other day; interestingly enough, I felt as if I had almost channelled them from somebody else - they just dont seem like something I would write.
I wonder if that is possible? ... A Midsummer night's dream was apparantly based on a OBE/Dream but they had Opium availible over the counter in those days.

At least I wrote something eh? I feel the urge to add /Writted/ on the end there. heh.

YAWN zZz

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I passed.

I really dont think I should have. I nearly collided with a bus (The ass didnt indicate as he pulled out!) and right after that, I nearly hit a woman who was far too interested in her smart phone to notice I was seconds from impact - the bitch had the gall to call me an asshole!

I really thought I had failed because my driving tutor has been drilling into me (figurativly-speaking) the importance of "Perception being the KEY to a GOOD driver", and in all of 7 minutes, I had managed to evaporate into my own little mind and nearly kill people.

I guess my driving instructor didnt really care or noticed the incompetence of the people around me?

Hm. A victory is still a victory.

And now I have a week to relax until I have to stand a week full of of workmen re-wiring the house. I feel so exhausted.

Sleep is where I dream.

*Grumble*

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Tomorrow I have to take that fucking Rite O' Passage again! Which means an early relaxing night, early to bed, early to rise, balanced breakfast (so I dont vomit on the way there) A good shower, sitting in the car waiting for the instructor, riding with the instrutor there, sitting with the instructor why I wait for another one.

I hate my instructor, I really do - he comes across as a bit of a letch when it comes to women. All he talks about (other than driving) is how cute Holly was or how amazing it was to teach Amanda, or how Amy was funny or how Jessica had an annoying laugh.

I wish I had breasts.

Send out some positive vibes for me please. Im going to need them.

If...

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I hate that word; If. As odd a word as it is to hate... I suppose the obvious choices would be "No" or "Dont" Or "Stop" - everything that applies when you really want to rape that good-looking stranger, but I digress - "If" annoys me.

"Why?!" I hear you squeal with clandestine-tones. Merely because it is a possibility. If is... something that COULD happen... something that COULD change. If is a thought-stream that travels from the causality-effect suburban-slip to the theoretical-causality highway, picking up hitchhikers of interest along the way.

If is... a possibility.

"So you hate possibilities?!" I hear, your confused voices giving me frown-face.

Yes. But only because I live in a world without them. This is my mind:

IF I had friends.

IF I had a job.

IF I had money.

IF IF IF.

Until my situation changes dramaticly (ROLL ON SATURDAY) I think I shall continue to rationally hate this word.

The World is Turning!

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There should be more songs about spinning in your desk-chair. I like to spin in my dek-chair, it gives me a much needed mental tidy and makes me feel ditzy...er.

Outside my window is a darkend reflection of a world I cannot possibly begin to experience until I get a driving license. And yet I worry about failing my NEXT test. (march the 5th)

Should I pander to this feeling of situational worry?

Nah.

But am I odd? Is it odd to want a meaningful job? A job that regardless of pay has a meaning and gives you such a place in the world? Perhaps it is odd to want a meaning? As by definition, we are all meaninglessly meaningful.

I need another mental tidy. I shall continue to spin.

New Directions

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DOWN ALL YOU GLEEKS! DOWN!

Im merely talking about a state of mind. Not mine, for once, but generally.

When you see something or hear something that makes your imagination visualize in a way you have never before... it forces your outlook to go in anther direction.

No, im not drunk or on drugs, im just trying to explain the un-explainable. To share how amazing and thought-provoking a single external-influance can be on the mind, nay, the very imagination of a person.

Something that makes you evaluate your life and see it as if you have never seen it before.

The very concept of age, morality, mortallity, humanity - it all has very little meaning and impact on life as we know it. A future is merely  a world where time no longer exsists but death begins in the womb.

Just collecting my thoughts. Really, my imagination and inspiration just got a kick up their respective-metaphorical anai.

Anger Vibes

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I failed my driving test.

Yup, I went and failed it good - with 1 major and 2 minor marks to my name (for my american chums, you're allowed 2 minor marks, but not a single major mark, so 1 major mark = instant fail) and, I must have an anger that leaks into the ether because as the guy turned to tell me, his body-language changed; he became defensive in his seat, crossed his arms, turned his back towards the door, made eye-contact for about a second and then, very very quickly, scuttled out of the car.

I was majorly pissed off (at the time) and even though I didnt say a thing, my "You cannot be fucking serious" expression was working overtime. I felt inside as if I wanted to tear his face off - the vibe that must have made him want to get out of dodge hasty.

I drove home with my instructor who said "Congratulations, you're now exactly like 88% of the general population" before going into a big speech about how there is no shame in failing and how perseverance is the key to success.

All I could think about was the throbbing migrane I was expriencing - as if my brain was giving me a stern telling-off for being such a screw up.

I slept a little, woke up feeling refreshed, shrugged it off and decided to book another test. I pinned the "failure" slip to my notice board - lets let the anger vibe drive me towards my goal!

Im still kinda dissapointed though; all my plans have to go on hold until this is sorted out, and to make matters worse, it's going to cost me £100($140) a try.

Positives to think about:

• At least the next time I will know what to expect!
• I can sleep in tomorrow (yay)
• I can finally have a restful nights sleep without the worry of what tomorrow may bring.

It seems I failed this "Rite O' passage" :P

"Rite of Passage"

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So tomorrow is "The Big Day!" or so im told. Tomorrow I take my driving test for the first time ever. After three months of forking out £20 per lesson (one lesson a week), I finally get the chance to show off everything I have learnt in order to gain a document that says I am legally allowed to drive on the motorway.

I didnt really give it much thought at the time, it didnt bother me that the D-day was fast approaching until my instructor said, during an idle conversation about driving, that it is a "rite of passage". As you can imagine - me being the master self-sabatour - my eyes widened with the horrible realization that he was indeed right, this is a huge under-taking that will impact the way I live my life.

So as you can imagine, ive felt this looming-sense of dread all day which is starting to reach its peak as bed-time approaches. To give you a vague idea of how much I am dreading tomorrow:

I am playing the Sims 3 - the only game that can suck away your time like a vaccum-cleaner - to take my mind of... well, time.

But it also got me thinking about the hilarity of the expression "Rite of Passage" and how broad a scope it actually covers. For example, if my first "Rite of Passage" into life was to drink a beer, then I covered that at 12 when I snuck a 6-pack of my dads into my woodland den and got sloshed. If it was smoking, then did that when I was 15, same with my virginity and gay-virginity (yes, a woman did "turn" me :P) so, after driving, what would be next? Having a stable relationship/job/home? Eating my first ever grilled-cheese? What would be the last rite of passage before death? Growing old? Gracefully? Disgracfully?

And what if I fail my "Rite O' Passage? Can you actually fail a Bonifide Rite O' passage?

How did people measure this claptrap?

I digress though. I am not worried about tomorrow, more as I am dreading making myself screw up some how. My driving instructor said I should try to achieve a perfect state of zen before I go, to be dolice, to listen to the comands given and, whilst not thinking about them, do them.

He was quick to add "To the best of your abilities..." to the end of that. Is that a bad sign?

Actually, in an attempt to counter-act negative energy, I made sure my test booking time was at 11:11 - 11 being a powerful cosmic number! 

So start sending those positive vibes out to the universe for me, tomorrow will be an interesting day to say the least!

Another Year Past

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And behold! For I am another year old.

Yes faithful readers, my birthday came and went so it is time to start the yearly tradition of self-examination!

How did my birthday go? Well, suffice to say even though I canvased hard all through christmas to make sure my siblings, parents and nephews/neices' had amazingly thoughtful presents... the return on my seasonal investment was not matched. Out of 5 siblings, two parents and 4 (old enough) nephews and one neice, I received 1 gift and card.

I realise it is the thought that counts, and I showed a lot of it the last festive season, spending money despite the fact I didnt have it just so they could know I was thinking about them and... well, nothing much in return.

Not that im complaining! What I did receive in return is kinda cool - its a red sportscar. Three door, two amazing flashing blue lights and a red fluoresent light under the suspension that flashes everytime you move it. It handles like a dream and even honks when you press the middle mouse button (which is shaped like a real cars logo) - yes, ok, its a mouse. But the thought counts? ... Right?

So one year older... has much changed for me?

Kinda. I got a really cool desk and chair. And I had a huge mental tidy too. I have my offical driving test comming up on the 17th of this month and I am of the mind that when I pass it, things may become a lot easier for me.

I plan on trying for a new job then too - working locally as a community support assistant until I can get the degree required to go into social work - which I do believe is my calling. I reckon I have a lot to offer the messed-up masses.

I know, if you know my or have followed me during the last few years, you will probably be wondering WTF has happened to me, probably even questioning if im the same person. Well yes... and no. Writing and drawing will always be one of my dreams, but until I can work on those, I need to address my life and the way I live it: I need a stable job with a stable wage. I need friends. I need accomplishments.

Im following my new years resolution to a T heh.

Relationship wise. Still painfully single. Doubt it will change until I change for it.

So here is the plan for the next month:

• Pass driving test.
• Get motivating Job.

I shall keep you updated!

My Own Inception

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Last night - as odd as this may sound - I had a dream within a dream!

In this dream within a dream, I knew I was dreaming! I was riding in the back of a car to my old childhood house when, in the street across the way, I saw a house that did not belong there. It was a small house standing on top of a large hill; it had perfect white walls and a blue roof with stained-glass windows depicting a boat sailing across an ocean.

I enetered the house but inside it was dull and drab. I reached out to touch the walls and I exclaimed, amazed "Wow, I know I am dreaming but it all feels so real" - which is when I "woke up".

I cursed to myself "All that time you have tried to dream lucidly and you ruin it!" and then proceeded to get on with my life as normal, when I actually did wake up. I lay in my bed, thinking to myself "...did that just happen?"

It really did. I dreamt that I was experiencing a dream. How weird am I eh?