Interesting (random) Thought

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People who perform social actions that are NOT defined by their character, but by what they THINK looks cool.

I find the above, not only very annoying, but character-shattering. When you have just managed to memory map the body language of a person and then they start to perform actions out of their perceived character (for the sake of looking cool) it makes them look foolish.

Thinking of this in more depth, I may have ended friendships and relationships for this very reason - but have never realised it.

I think too much.

Happy Holidays.

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I dont feel they WHY of why I should document this specific christmas. It just feels a little more important this year than it did last year I guess.


Roll on the New Year - I'll be fucked if im letting another one roll by.

Alan Ward Furniture

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I have just entered a competition for Alan Ward Furniture. You had to create a picture using one of their in store items and it was super fun!

I actually do really like Alan Ward Furniture (Check it out yourself!) because they have some amazingly stylish items for sale. And I really hope I do win the competition so be sure to vote for me HERE!

Wish me luck!

THIS REALLY HAPPENED

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This is an actual phone call to the police this week.

No, I am not kidding.

I Died a little...

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My first Acoustic Guitar lesson.
Two hours in and im still figuring out how to tune my guitar.

Instructor: "Seriously? Are you playing a joke on me and wasting my time or something?"

Me: "... Im paying you..."

Instructor: "... Oh... wow."

Ouch indeedy.

Deserves to be shown

For the past few days I have been taunting myself for not actually being very "Artsie".
I had been craving to do some blending and shading skin-tones (I know, im weird!) but when push came to shove, I couldnt pick a pose I liked - so I decided to try a random portrait of my own:

We're talking no hard likes to guide me here, just brush-strokes and blending goodness. Well, I dont know what came over me because 2 hours later I looked at the time and realised it was 2am in the morning - I got into it, almost like I was in some kind of trance!

It is funny that I say that because, rule number of of shading and detailing is the most important: DONT SHADE AFTER DETAILING - but the eye... I really got into that eye, it was like... a trance! Really! I just had to finish that eye!

Dont ask me how I made it look so good. I dont know Dont ask me why I made it that colour. It just felt like I had to.

Suffice to say, when I was done I did try to shade around it. Stupid of me, I know and I was lucky I stoped myself when I did because I ran out of backsteps. It is a shame because I was on such a roll!

I know it is beyond my skill right now to fix and finish it - but it deserves to be shown. The eye is worthy of it alone!

Fell free to finish it yourselfs - just show me when you're done. Im intrigued at what she wanted to be...

Too MUCH!

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I had a very weird dream again, one that I can remember vividly!

In the dream, I was in a post-Apocolypic America and society there had not only changed but was pretty much cut off from the rest of the world.

news of the rest of the world was pretty much yearned for and water was a sporadic pleasure. Anyway, I was living in a kinda.... multi-story/shanti-town and through all the mundane drama that was happening to the people there, I suddenly realised how much I missed my mother.

Then it occured to me 'Why not call her?' but I wasnt sure if the phone line could connect to the UK anymore, so I picked up the nearest phone (it was literally just the receiver) and dialed for the operator. This is exactly how the discussion went:

"Hi there, I was wondering if you can still connect calls to overseas?" (Me)

"Of course sir, I just need the area code and the number you want to connect to" (Operator)

"Sure, 044 (my childhood phone number)"

"Connection has been made sir, shall I patch you through?"

"Please do."

Click~~~Click~~~Click

"Hello?" (My mothers voice, but older and more... drawn)

"Hello mum its me!"

"I dont want to buy any!"

"No mum, its me, your so--"

"I dont want to buy any!" And she hung up.

Things sorta flashed forward from there. I was out at night in the multi-story/shanti town talking to a girl was amazingly black hair and I was attracted to her (Weird because im gay) and then all of a sudden, people wearing those same clothes as the guy pictured above burst through the doors and started screaming at us (with british accents) to get down.

Myself and this girl hid around the corner and observed from a distance until one of the men stepped forward and said:

"You think your American Tech could destroy the world and that we would ever forgive you for it!!"

And I realised 'Oh my god, I led them right to us.' - if it wasnt for my phone call home, the British wouldnt have invaded the America they had assumed was a desolate place.

And that is when I woke up!

So clearly im watching too much Scifi... right? I just think my mind is remarkable for creating such a situation. And also, I can remember word for word everything that was said in that dream.

It was just so real! So vivid! I lived that world for 8 hours and for 8 hours that world was as real to me as the real one.

Awesomely-spooky eh?

GOD DAMN IT TO HELL!!!!!!!!

 

I SHOULD NOT have watched this.

Now it is stuck on a loop in my head and is driving me fucking insane.

FUCK YOU FRENCH PEOPLE!!!

The Looks Factor - FIGHT THE POWER!

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Im annoyed. Today, I found myself within the shopping district of the city carrying a handful of magazines I had just brought from my local WHSmiths under one arm, a Costa Coffee cup in the same hand and various other bags full of food on the other arm.

It was a desparate situation - my bag from WHSmiths' had just broken (I paid 5p for that!!!) and I was having trouble juggling not only my shopping, but my ever-slipping jeans as they started to inch down my waist - to say it was a scramble with each step would not be an under-statement.

I needed a new bag. And to ditch my (now cold) hot-chocolate... but where!? And that is when I decided to walk into the local Stationary shop and try a charm offensive to see if I could score one measely plastic bag!

BIG MISTAKE - it ruined my entire day.

You see, behind the counter of said stationary shop was a young girl (I wont use the word woman, she was NOT mature enough) who looked at me and instantly - I swear, instantly - I knew she hated me.

I dont know if other people get this too, it happens to me when I make eye-contact and I can instantly tell if that person is going to be approachable or not. Does this happen to others? Let me know!

Anyway, I decided to use my gay-charm tactic to woo a flimsy-looking plastic bag out of her. I mean the girl was covered in make-up and was wearing some incredibly tight-looking jeans so... clearly, should would adore gay guys.

Wrong.

Me: Sorry to bug you my dear but i was wondering if I could get a plastic bag. Ive been shopping and, well, look at me! My hands are full and my last bag broke.

Her: No.

Me: ... eh? May I ask why?

Her: You need to buy something first.  (Keep in mind she is now REFUSING to keep eye-contact with me)

Me: ... but is a plastic--

Her: (interrupting) store policy. Buy something of leave.

Me: (picking up first object on the counter) Fine. How much for this?!

Her: (looking away) ... 99p

Me: How can you tell, you need to look at it first. I just dont want to be ripped off or anything, y'know?

Her: (taking a frustrated sigh) Yes! 99p.

Me: (VERY SARCASTICLY) greaaaaat... give me a plastic bag with that please.

She did. I waited there for her to pick the object up and put it in the plastic bag - all the while staring at her. I am not amused and I am trying (as silly as this may sound) to telepathicly make her understand how unamused I am and how much of a bitch I think she is.

I stand there waiting, huffing and puffing for my change and then to make a point of how annoyed I am, I stand there and wait for her to hand me the bag: she will have to make eye-contact when she does that!

And she did, so I said to her before I turned to leave, our eyes fixed:

"You only work in a shop you know. You can drop the higher-than-thou attitude."

I then turned and walked out to a score of applause. So I guess in a way, it was a victory for the every day man against the common nazi-esque assumptionist women we meet on the street.

Truth be told, im still kinda pissed!

I would never do that. I would never conciously make an assumption on somebody based on a first glance - and even if (IF) I conciously did, I would never-ever let it effect the way I was approached or interacting with this person.

My gut tells me this was less of a social-standing issue and more of a "I-Dont-Find-You-Attractive-therefore-You-Are-less-Than-me!" issue: which is less insulting but more personally annoying.

I dont claim to be the sexiest guy ever. Im also not torn by my looks nor do I depend on them to get me through the day. I dont work a fashionista style and then im not a prude when it comes to every-day fashion. I like friendship bangles, rustic looking shirts and jeans... 90's cowboy-chic almost - but without the boots and the hat. That is me. Clothes that have a meaning to me, that I feel comfortable in - sense-memory if you will.

It is annoying to think people can live like that. It is more annoying to think that they think living like that is acceptable.

Ok, so im really annoyed about nothing! But im annoyed about it. It is an exchange that shouldnt have happened. Everybody should be approachable by everybody else - and just because people are not, it should not be acceptable! It should not be encouraged! And it should be challenged whenever it happens!

There, rant over!

Falling back to Dream.

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Ive had a dream. A dream that I have had before but many many years ago - and I remember that! But the details of this dream are sketchy.

I was woken abruptly as it concluded and I couldnt fall back into it so I couldnt finish it - and I cant seem to get it again. And its pissing me off.

The details are there but its like they're being surrounded by fog; like I can see their outlines, but that is all that seems to exsist of them.

I remember running, running from a hospital. A strange hospital where the nurses were friendly-beyond what they possibly should have been. Not sexy, but socially, they instantly became your best friends.

there was a car that I was driven in. It was driven by... somebody???

The nurses said that you cant hide from the monsters that lurk in the mental hospital. if you run and run fast through the rain, they will not catch up to you - but there is still a chance.

The monsters are four-legged animals... almost like furless dogs but with no eyes or ears - just teeth - and they run in packs, in big groups - like rats! I know there are hundereds of them!

Im telling you this because it is important to me. I had this exact dream when I was... wow... I think I was 7-14, I cant remember but I remember I was young when I had it. Putting my finger on how young though is a difficult task as I was MORE world-wise at the age of 7 than I was 14 (tee-hee)

But still, a dream from over 10 years ago that I fell back into. How amazing is that?

The Down to Earth Gene - Sexuality Gone Wild!

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David Haye utterly fascinates me. I have to confess that I am sexually attracted to this gentlemen, but not for the aesthetic reasons you think.
Of course, the guy is good-looking (who would doubt that) and being a boxer, you would expet him to be of strong mind as well as body - but the clincher for me is not his looks or his sport or his toughness -- or even his jocks. The clincher for me is his amazingly down to earth attitude about everything.

I personally believe that there is nothing more unattractive than that of a boy acting like a man with his head in the clouds. You know the type; the broody-kid in skinny jeans, just turned 21 and suddenly he is as world-wise as the most travelled out there. He has views on everything. He "Understands" everything. And he usually wants to work in music (but is always caught on the cusp of his own faltering creativity) and he is "Drawn to Paris/London" - and he likes to drink Skinny-Latté's to reduce his cholesterol intake.

Granted, there would have been a time where I would have been attracted to such a person. Of course, our "relationship" would have had to have been a tragic one. But there in lies the rub.

You can go around crying and bleating "my life is so hard and im so misunderstood" with your head in the cliuds and you will never notice the other people, the same as you, suffering the same fate as you - just relenting in the complaints.

David Haye is not this kind of man. David Haye is a world wise man with an incredable sense of self - and not selfISHNESS - and that is something I am drawn to. This is the man that can make mistakes and can live with them, because what choice does he have? I doubt he is going to suddenly put on a pair of skin-tight jeans and start writing emo-techono-pop lyrics. I would be very unimpressed if he did.

This is a man that can see the world for what it is and not be afraid to live in it. A man who can see the faults that he has and is not afraid if others do. A man that is not conceited with a sense of senf, but is his own person: down to earth and genuine.

I am very attracted to that. There should be more people in the world like that.

The Enigma that is "Bad" Luck

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Quite a paradox here:

Luck, by it's very definition, can never be a bad thing.

We can be Un-Lucky. But we could never possibly experience "Bad" Luck.

Ironic.

Endear

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I created this.

From a vison I had of an Angel as I slept.

I never dream of angels...

And yet it's wings were a powerful-blue.

The Law of Four.

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Four degrees of love:

The desire.

The chase.

The routine.

The loss.

At First...

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When does life begin? When does your life start? The answer is a very simple "When you start living!" - but a very annoying answer.

Ive been putting off starting my life for a few years now, and I think to a point I am ready to pick up where I left off. And there in lies the problem:

I think I am ready, but im not actually doing anything about it.

Im not happy with my life right now - but I swear to the almighty I will be by the time im finished with it.

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No more crap about me, it makes bad reading. I do plan on writing something soon though, maybe a short story to share. Could be fun, no?

Ga-Ga About Sperm!

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Dont panic people - I am not turning my blog into a hardcore sex-infested hole (however tempted I may be!) My title is merely the combination of two topics in the news that I found interesting!

First up, Lady GaGa and her awe-inspiring speech on gays in the military. Just when I think this Lady couldnt possibly make herself any more awesome, she stands up for the rights of all those people who cannot defend themselves and takes it straight from pop and into politics.

Gone was the funny wigs/make-up - and in was a more conservative look and exxagerated body-language to stress her point.

I watched in complete awe as she spoke how I would probably speak when addressing people on deep politcal issues: flailing my arms around why expressing my  own personal thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Lady GaGa is no longer a person but a very defining moment in our lives that needs to be loved, cherished and treasured for as long as humanly possible!

LOVE HER! THJAT IS AN ORDER!

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The second and last little bit I found interesting in the newspaper recently was the arrest of two gentlemen (who now face prison) for giving women access to sperm donars - Read it HERE!

I dont understand why. Other than the obvious reasons of course - but they are intuitive to anybody with an ounce of common-sense.

Also, consider that fact that a lot of women engage in one night stands for the purpose of conceiving a child - why crack down on the unregulated use of sperm over the internet when you could probably pay "Fat Alan" down the pub to do the job for you?

It makes no sense what-so-ever, you cannot ban one night stands, they just kind of happen - yet they share the same risks and rewards as unregulated sperm donation, so why is it illegal exactly?

Dreaming of Reality?

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My dreams are annoying me now - ever more cryptic - ever more realistic - ever more... normal.

Last night I had a dream from which I awoke with a banging headache. In the dream, the town I lived in was recovering from attack from an unseen enemy - I wasnt sure if it were aliens or war, but things had changed greatly and my nephew, along with myself, were the only members of my entire family alive.

I went to various places, having pointless and dull conversations with people on completely unrelated topics; I seemed to be incredibly dis-interested with the calamity that had happened before.

I remember saying to somebody (who looked astonishingly like Dermot O'leary) I was going to my street to find the rest of my family, to which he replied as he looked through a microscope "I wouldnt, that area was hit hard in the attack - nobody survived."

Confused by this, I asked him "Well did anybody in my family survive?" and he replied (still looking through the microscope) "Yes, your oldest Nephew - he is a great hunter, can track a man from 8 knots away."

I set out in search of my newphew and found him standing on a hill fa in the distance, observing me through the lens of a sniper rifle. It was then I woke up, head pounding.

Why am I telling you this? Two reasons!

1: Because it is incredibly weird and whacky. I dont know how my brain works but holy heck it works towards the insane!

and

2: Because about an hour after waking up a documentary about prophetic dreams was on tv as I sat eating my cheerios.

I really hope it wasnt a prophetic dream as my nephew is a bumbling idiot who couldnt handle his own prick - let alone a gun!

I will research into this topic and post my opinions on it later on. Dreams are fascinating!

Milo: Intelligent AI or Scripted Response Monstrosity?

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I saw the tech demo (from the TEDGlobal) for this and my first impressions of it were... amazement. I found Dmitri’s interactions with Milo as fascinating as it is touching but there was something that bothered me in Milo’s responses.
Dmitri was told to say a few words of encouragement to Milo, and whilst Milo did respond and Dmitri got awarded for his effort – there was no... I can’t explain it; there was no affirmation from Milo’s side.

It almost seemed cold, almost as if Milo was responding to Dmitri’s tone of voice rather than the words he used and the things he said: shouldn’t this be a big issue with something you’re trying to classify as intelligent AI?

It got me thinking; I was caught up in the whimsy of it all incredibly so! I was thinking about the interactions that could be possible for all different kinds of people and the why Milo could even probably help people who are... lonely.
You’re trying to sell a two way interaction and that is something a lot of children lack and crave – but would they be satisfied if it was that hollow?

I began to think of the interaction I could have with Milo – and then it occurred to me – it would be, ultimately, a hollow and empty experience for myself.
I had this idea in my head that I would be able to sit down and tell Milo the story about the time I jumped out of my car in the middle of a country lane to quickly pick wild flowers that were growing over by an embankment:

They were literally beautiful and I had driven by them for weeks; each time they caught my eye and one day, I was driving by and I thought “Bugger it!” – I left the engine running, jumped out of the car and made a grab for the flowers – little did I realise though, they were very well stuck in the ground and so because I tried to hard to pull them out, I strained my back, fell on the floor and managed to get up just in time to see a police car driving down the road in the opposite direction.

So I quickly snatched them up and threw them into the passenger seat and set off trying to look all natural past the police man who must have thought I was mad. Luckily, he didn’t stop me, although he gave me a sly gaze and shook his head as I drove past.
The flowers eventually died – but my memory of just stopping, out of the blue to pick them up, that has stuck with me as a happier memory.

And therein lies the problem; I could very well tell Milo this story, but what would he learn about myself and my character? If the only thing he can process is words, then how is he going to understand the beauty I saw in those flowers? Or the pain I felt when I strained my back? Or even how lucky I felt when the police didn’t arrest me?
I could tell Milo this story, but what would be the point if the most he gets out of it is “Flowers. Beautiful. Police. Back”?

Why draw Milo a picture if the only thing he can appreciate is the colour? Why reassure Milo that everything will be fine when he is designed to respond to a reassuring tone of voice at that time?

It gets ethical I suppose. As well as philosophical, but for as advanced as his animation and voice recognition is; he is still a coded computer character designed to respond with a script. And that is sad, because he is being sold as an intelligent AI with the ability to learn.

Such a shame. I really do enjoy Mr Molyneux’s games but it almost seems as if he is setting himself up for failure.

Those Crazy Scientists!

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Scientists have once again spent some well-deserved moolah researching something completely ground-breaking that will shatter the very existence of civilized society as we know it!

Are you ready for this?

Hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of scientific study has concluded that:

People who text whilst walking, are more inclined to bump into objects. As opposed to those who walk whilst looking ahead who notice all road/street safety hazards and avoid them - people who walk and text missed 1 out of 5 possible hazards! (READ IT HERE)

Thank you very much Dr Jo Lumsden for using money (that couldn’t have possibly been put to better use) to find this out for us!

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Really people, it seems the title of "Dr" is being handed out a little bit liberally here in England. On the bright side, for every child in Pakistan who can’t afford to eat tonight - at least we now know 1 in 5 people end up in hospital because they don’t use common sense.

News-Bytes!

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Could the cure for cancer be within our grasp? Scientists seem to think it could and said:

"The find is said to be on a par with the 1928 discovery of penicillin" - Read the full article HERE!

Consider a world without cancer; Would smoking become a legal passtime again? Even though it is legal now, would more people be inclined to tolerate it? 

And wouldnt that be a great way to counter the countries deficit? Everyone (probably) would practically be smoking so just tax ciggerette companies!

WORLD PEACE IS WITHIN OUR GRASPS PEOPLE!!!

In other news:

Thousands turned out in Scotland today to see Religious sensataion Susan Boyale sing I dreamed a dream!

One person who waited all night for the event to start commented:

"It was just like watching her on youtube! Only, like, in real life now!" - Pope Penedict XVI

A Quick Quip

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They say that if the only thing reported on the second page of a newspaper is a superstar going to jail - then there is nothing major to worry about.

That being said, the second page of todays newspaper featured a stirring speech from the a political labour party supporter in charge of... some unions. Im not sure which ones to be honest - politics isnt exactly my forté - but the newspapers all seem to agree that this man should be listened to.

If sweeping cuts are made to the public sector - life for the working class will change beyond recognition. Every public sector working (Police, Firemen, Nurses etc) will face the very realistic possibility that they may lose their jobs to save money.

HARRY PHIBBS is a gentlemen in who has set a rallying cry for trade unions to strike in the face of sweeping cuts, not only to work and pensions, but to the actuality of availible jobs.

If he can get the trade unions to strike, british work and business will come to a complete standstill. The country will be on its knees, begging.

Could the coalition government stop them? Legally, no.

There are dark times ahead for the british people. Dark times indeed.

9 + 1 + 1 = Heartbreak

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Where was I 10 years past towards the bottom of the line?
Watching the breaking news at home, thinking the world was fine.
My system couldn’t process all the images in my mind,
And so I thought of empty planes and buildings in the sky.

It took a while to understand the evil that occurred.
Through all the noise and destruction cries of help could not be heard.
I never understood the why of devastation on that day,
And always thought; in the end it was the villains who would pay.

But 10 years on and here we sit, looking towards the sky.
Ever wondering why, as our days pass gently by.
We cry and mourn the loss of those that we never got to see,
And wonder if the future holds the peace that needs to be.

If time could stop that day would be the time it stood silently still.
And memories and fantasies would leave us with a chill.
What could have been a working day was a day the world forced change,
And here we sit, thinking about it, as an act of mournful-strange.

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I think it is only right to mention as well as mourn this day. What was taken from us all as civilized people still has yet to be regained and has left us with a gaping hole inside that we cannot seem to shift.

Anybody who was alive and sitting at home watching the horror unfold on the news will understand the... emptiness I’m talking about here: it took a few days for me to realise that those planes were full of people – that those buildings were full of people. The entire horror unfolded for me as the shock finally subsided.

For those who were not around 10 years ago – for generations to come – that date, 9/11, will always be a stained date in the calendar. It will always be known as the time another world made us evaluate our lives and the society we live in today.

The arguments in the press today over a small minded preacher have only gone on to fuel people’s misery and hatred. I cannot see how any man of God could questionably consider such an act as vile as he did in the pursuit of religious tolerance – and yet he did.
And as he did, violence started. And violence will since until the furore has subsided.

His lack of awareness in religion and tolerance is not only astounding but reflective of a smaller, more darker, side to our civilization that needs to be addressed before it causes the world not only untold misery but unimaginable harm.

I can promise you this: if we carry on down this path, religion will be our downfall.

Signed,
An Atheist.

*Sneezes*

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How does burning a Koran send a clear message to extremists?
I don’t get it.
How does generalizing an entire religion send a message to extremists that violence and religious intolerance will not be tolerated?

That is exactly like me pointing my finger across the Atlantic and saying “SHAME ON YOU AMERICANS!” – One man, just as a collection of individuals, does not constitute and entire nation.

*tuts Britishly (oooh yeah! I Adverbed! I’m that ill!)*

Still feeling a tad worse for wear as Captain Tripps turns me into a flu-pus-zombie (its possibly a cold... or nervous-system cancer aka manful) but just a little tid-bit to wrap your lobes around.
There is every chance I will elaborate on these things when I feel 100% but right now I’m running on 25.

As I was taking my cold/flu (aka nervous system cancer pills!) it got me thinking: could every day pharmaceuticals and man-made chemicals be stunting our evolutional growth?
Uppers, downers, happy pills, weight-gain/loss pills, processed vitamins, acne-pills, stomach pills, head pills ---- could we be (unintentionally) killing off the natural progress of human evolution?

What do you reckon?

The Conscience Question (addendum)

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(I believe I am suffering from a case of Captain Tripps so this is merely a side post until I am feeling a little bit better.)

Following on from my rambling blog post last time, I like to discuss other, less cosmetic implications when being able to actively transfer memories from one brain to another.

As I mentioned last time, the human brain is merely a biological storage device; almost like a computer’s hard drive. However, a computer hard drive can easily be hacked.

On a more alarming and direct level to demonstrate this, recently (August 2008) at the Defcon Conference, an associate professor of the University of Massachusetts called Kevin Fu managed to remotely turn off a pacemaker using “a cheap $1000” worth of computer equipment.

“You can induce the test mode, drain the device battery, and turn off therapies,” Halperin said. (Read the account HERE)

In essence: Point remote controls at somebody’s chest – press eject – they die.

As scary as the very idea is, it raises very serious and direct questions about biological security. What steps could be taken to combat such a threat?

Consider the above action being taken with your brain:

Point remote controls at somebody’s brain – press eject – brain death occurs.

But on a more sinister level, national secrets, and nuclear missile launch codes – basically you think it and at a click of a button they have it.

How do you combat something like this? Can you combat something like this? Nothing is hack proof and as our understanding of the brain and the way it works grows, so too does the very real threat of biological hackings.

It could be argued that if you can transfer biological data, you could also install external security – almost like a firewall.

The future of medicine is as scary as it is beautiful.

The Conscience Question

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As if to boil the blood of anybody who is currently struggling with debt, scientists have discovered exactly what women find attractive when men dance.
Are you ready for this people? Millions of pounds/dollars have been poured into scientific (I use this term loosely) research to discover that women find men attractive when they can dance... in time and to a beat.

*Tumbleweed*

I’ll leave that little bit of groundbreaking scientific research with you but feel free to silently rage with me.

On to more pressing matters:

Could the human soul – the very part of us that defines and makes us what we are – be transferable? Either between synthetic machinery OR a physical body?

The human brain – however mysterious it may be – is still just one big data-storage device; albeit a biological storage device. So what is to say that you couldn’t transfer one storage device to another body?

Consider the implications of doing so, both medical and ethical:

You’re in a coma but your mind is still very active, the person in the bed next to you is brain-dead but their body is very healthy. How do you proceed?
The Hippocratic Oath should at least offer the answer to that question from a purely medical stand-point but what about the ethical implications of swapping bodies in order to survive?

It could be argued that the person in the bed next to you has effectively died – but on the other hand, you would be consciously inhabiting their body so technically they would be alive to an extent. Does this mean you would become them?

In my personal opinion, the answer to that would be no.
If the human conscience (aka soul) is merely biological energy that is processed by the brain, then being brain-dead would effectively mean your soul has left your body. Hence there should be no ethical implications; much as there is not when we swap a kidney or a lung.

However, this is not the case. As human beings we rely on our senses to interpret the world around us, so John Doe walking down the street in Jane Doe’s old body would cause quite a stir – and not because of the sexuality implications – the emotional welfare of not only Jane Doe’s family would have to be taken into consideration also (It is her... but it is not?) but John Doe and his family himself. For example: Would John Doe (now in Jane Doe’s body) be able to find true love? What about his mental and emotional state at now being a woman? How would his friends and family react? Would he ever be able to find a life-partner and settle down?
This is assuming male – female transference is possible (and vice-versa) – would gender/sexual identity be an issue?

So does this mean that our human vanity would prevent us from undertaking (possible) future body swaps? A man walking down the street as a woman now-a-days still manages to raise an eyebrow or too. But in consideration; that is about 1000 eyebrows less than just 50 years ago. So would that mean in the future we will be more inclined to not just donate organs when we die, but (should we die of brain death) to donate our entire bodies too?

Consider the more immediate cosmetic implications: would we really be willing to carry the moral burden for the body we have always wanted?

Approach this very idea from a more scientific and sinister way: could body/memory transfer be as simple as pointing a device at your destination and flicking a switch?
If you have ever seen the TV programme by Joss Whedon called Dolls House – more specifically the episode entitled “Epitaph One” – you will understand what I am talking about.
As the brain is a collection of memories and knowledge – two things we can now share freely on the internet – wouldn’t it just be possible to download and store those memories on some external source?
I personally doubt it as all data degrades with enough time, but consider the implications of being able to do so and maintain it. Effectively you could live forever, a collection of thoughts, feelings and knowledge until downloaded into a new body.

Could mankind be trusted with such a technological advancement though? Joss Whedon (seriously, watch Dolls House!) and I am inclined to agree with his take on the subject. I won’t ruin it for you, it is one of the better episodes of the series, but suffice it to say we abuse the power to body-swap mercilessly.

So what do you think? Dance moves aside - Body swapping in order to save lives; would it cause more problems than it could solve?

The Ghost Hunting Dilemma (pt 2)

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Wow. When writing my last entry, I did not expect the amount of feedback I received. At all. (Could at least some of you please sign up to follow my blog so it is easier to keep track of you?)

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It would seem (again) that I need to clarify a few issues that I left open on the subject which I am more than willing to do. At the same time however, comments have been disabled until I sift through most of the irrelevant ones.

(Maria Joyobia asks: )

Isn’t your blog post/article a direct attack of Clairvoyance, mediumship and spiritualism as a whole? 

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Not at all! Again, I am a very open-minded sceptic on these issues, but for every good apple in the barrel there are two bad ones: not every clairvoyant/medium/psychic is going to be genuine. A sad but true fact.
Add to this also that during the course of (what should be) a purely scientific investigation into the cause of the paranormal activity, the parapsychologist is relying on the conjecture of somebody who claims to hear/see the spirits and apparitions at this time. This cannot be proven or disproven – the parapsychologist is documenting speculation as evidence.

(Middletonfairy says: )

I take offence with your last post – I work in parapsychology and have never used the services of a clairvoyant/medium – not every parapsychologist is like the ones you see on TV!

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I know little about this field of scientific study and I am sure there are parapsychologists out there that do not do this during their investigations so please, do not assume I am generalising the entire field of parapsychology.

I do however believe that the parapsychologists who do use these methods throw reasonable doubt onto parapsychology as a scientific study.

(Abstractdesignation asks: )

Saying you believe in ghosts, why wouldn’t you believe in a greater force that puts them there? You say it would be insulting for a medium to say a prayer for a spirit and send them into the light; why?

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Open-minded sceptic; I believe there are things in this world that we cannot explain yet, but I would not associate my personal belief with any kind of faith in the subject. After all, it is me knowing as a fact “There are things in this world we can’t explain yet!” not me thinking “There MUST BE things in this world we can’t explain yet!”

That being said, I am willing to stretch my imagination to the possibility that ghosts do actually exist (for this exercise).

Consider that your soul is disembodied; you are walking around the same world you used to know and love but you have can have little interaction with it because you are essentially pure energy.

Here are your variables. I am forcing these on your imagination so you can understand my point of view:

• The most you can interact with in this world is by making a few stray noises here and there and slightly changing the temperature.
• You are not religious. At all.
• You desperately want your family and friends to know that you are (in another form) still around.

Now keeping all this in mind, a film crew show up; they have brought along with them a gentlemen who believes himself to be able to talk to the dead but actually he cannot, although, he has managed to research some of your background and the background of your home via Facebook and Wikipedia.

This ghost hunting team begin to ask you questions. Obviously, you cannot answer them and they receive no obvious paranormal activity. They then try to antagonise and provoke you by calling you names and using personal information so they can get response. Obviously, you cannot respond to them.

Ask yourself now how this is making you feel. You cannot give them what they require, they are trying harder and basically verbally abusing you and you cannot retaliate or respond at all.

Now, whilst keeping all that in mind, imagine that the team are wrapping up the investigation and they ask the medium to say a religious prayer in order to send you on your way, leaving you hanging around (probably) in a worse emotional state than you were before whilst at the same time easing their conscience as they can say “We helped that spirit”.

Remember: you are not religious and this medium has lied telling the investigators that you have moved onto a better place. How has this experience made you feel?

(Zakiepatakie asks: )

Would you really care (as a ghost) if somebody had promised to help you and didn’t? Who is to say life after death is sentient?

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Who is to say it isn’t? If clairvoyants, mediums and psychics are to be believed, then the “Ghost/Spirit” of the dead person is speaking to/through them and trying to pass on messages to their families. That being the case, you would have to know (as a ghost) that this person has the ability to hear “Ghosts/Spirits” – essentially, you have just had a thought process – we think, therefore we are.

That being the case, why wouldn’t we be offended, upset or emotionally perturbed if a bad ghost hunting group - using a bad medium - came along and did this to us? We would be offended, upset and/or emotionally perturbed if a camera crew came to our houses whilst we were alive and did this to our faces – why does being dead (and a ghost) suddenly change the rules for social etiquette?

(Garygibbs asks: )

So you’re basically saying we should not hunt for evidence of life after death?

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No. We are by our own existence curious creatures. We should know what happens to us after death, it is our fundamental right to know as it happens to all of us, but we are approaching from an extreme angle.

Somewhere along the line, as science has stepped in to investigate, we have seemingly lost our respect for the dead. Weather consciously or not – and maybe out of frustration – rather than investigate and communicate in a more respectable and tactful way, we have resorted to conjecture form Spiritualists, provocation from investigators searching for EVP and forced religious and spiritual ideology (what good is there in saying a prayer on behalf of somebody who is not at all religious and in order to move them on?)

To clarify, I am not denying the existence of a higher power guiding us at all (I am trying to be as objective as possible here) but at the same time, keeping in mind our understandings of life and the universe,  how can we be sure that a higher power is responsible for ghosts/spirits? What if it is just natural energy that exists out of our audio and spectral range?

Parapsychology should not cater to (any) religious ideology at all. Objective scientific study is the only way parapsychology as a whole can move forward.

I hope this has clarified some points from my previous blog post. I’m interested on your take of things. What is your opinion?

The Ghost Hunting Dilemma

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A study of ethics on the living as well as the dead.

Ghosts sightings and haunting - whether you believe in them or not - are usually followed by a ghost hunters, investigating the claims of paranormal activity. This is all well and good; we as human beings are naturally curious about what happens to us after death. And depending on which religion you follow (if any) those answers are already somewhat available (depending on the depth of your faith).
However, as technology has advanced, more and more accurate and sufficient ways to try and contact the deceased and investigate paranormal activity has evolved also. We have gone from the simple Ouija boards to the more modern infrared/night vision cameras and EMF detectors. Suffice it to say, the parapsychology field is near becoming a successful science thanks to the strides in technology.

Troublingly though, parapsychology still shares its profession with that of spiritualism, clairvoyance and mediumship. No matter what your belief system on these matters, these are not solid scientific methods.
Parapsychology right now is still holding onto the shoulder of the aforementioned for guidance and whilst most of the experiences when working with clairvoyants or psychics in the field are interesting, a lot of them are still genuinely unexplainable, and yet they are still being documented as events happening upon an investigation; whether it be a psychic having an odd feeling in a room or a clairvoyant (apparently) hearing the voice of a deceased person in their head.

So does this destroy the credibility of Parapsychology as an actual science? I couldn’t possibly say, but I am of the opinion that it isn’t actually doing it any favours. A clairvoyant experience (in most documented cases) is based on the experience of the clairvoyant and is not solid, reliable evidence that a parapsychologist can investigate.
Also consider that the most haunted and historic locations around the world now have their own website/databases with quick information stored and ready to be shared at the click of a button: shouldn’t that be enough to call into question the alliance between parapsychology and spiritualism?
I am not saying that I do not believe in clairvoyance/mediumship/spiritualism etc – I am a very open-minded sceptic – But all those things are based on faith and how much faith you retain on that subject; parapsychology should be based purely on scientific study. Faith should not factor in science – even if the investigation is based on an issue of faith.

Consider the ethics of the current state of Ghost hunting TV shows such as Most Haunted, Ghost Adventures, and Ghost Hunters etc. Whilst Parapsychology plays a major role in the investigation of paranormal activity, so does Clairvoyance and Mediumship. For example; The Most haunted team do not investigate a location without the aid of a psychic medium to walk the through the “ghosts” they are meeting.
Each investigation is conducted in complete darkness with random members of the team “calling out” to the spirits of that specific location in order to receive a paranormal response. Ghost adventures uses this same technique but sometimes to the extreme by taunting and provoking “ghosts or spirits” in the hopes that their reaction will be more emotional and therefore show more energy that can be documented as genuinely unexplainable at that time.

Flip the entire dynamics of Ghost Hunting on its head:

Imagine you are a ghost. You have been dead for a good 30 years. A film crew searching for evidence of the afterlife comes along and proclaims “I’m here to help you!” And then adds “As long as you help me!”
Imagine that after a while, with your inability to communicate with them, they become agitated and start taunting you to try and provoke a reaction that you possibly cannot give.
Imagine, in your anger/sadness of the entire situation, a “Clairvoyant/medium/psychic” (etc) comes along and – having done their research on you beforehand – starts to tell these people personal information about you. Then, as the film crew leave, having gathered enough evidence to broadcast for an episode, almost as a final insult, the “Clairvoyant/medium/psychic” proclaims “I have mentally said a prayer for him/her... they’ve gone to the other side now.”

How insulting! Not only to your intelligence but to you as a person.
If ghosts/spirits do actually exist, how can you be sure that they were in their living years actually religious? And what if the very act of clairvoyance/mediumship is nothing more than the imagination? You’ve been abandoned by people who promised to help you in some way, only for them to leave and for the next team of ghost hunters to move in. In terms of respect, why not just go to Africa and eat a roast dinner out in the open in front of the poorest people in town? The lasting emotional effect would be the same would it not?

Am I saying all ghost investigation teams have a lack of respect for the dead? To an extent, yes I am. The very act of seeking these ghost/people out does usually warrant a bit of digging for information about them. Does being dead give people the right to violate your right to privacy? And if so, how many minutes/hours/days/weeks/years/decades/centuries (etc) do you need to be dead before your personal information becomes free game to any passing Ghost Hunter? Surely Ghost hunting is best done directly after the person has passed away? I wonder what reason is given for that not to happen (/sarcasm).

That being said, I am of the opinion that there are fundamental wrongs still happening in the worlds of ghost hunting and parapsychology:

Parapsychologists reliability on clairvoyance/mediumship and the respect (or lack thereof) given to the dead/ghosts of the places they all investigate.

What do you guys think?

TERROR! (pt 2)

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So, last time I discussed how terror affects us during bouts of unwavering uncertainty and whilst I touched on the subject of terror being used as a weapon in today’s modern world, I did not elaborate on this, which has caused a few people to get in touch asking specifically for this.

As I discussed last time, I believe that terror is extreme stress when faced with dramatic uncertainty of the immediate future. I’m not saying that everybody is intuitive, but causality suggests that every action has a reaction that is somewhat predictable. For example, you say hello to a friend passing on the street – you know there response will (at least) be a greeting of some kind back.
The extreme uncertainty I am attributing to terror is completely different. It is not merely uncertainty of a day but uncertainty of a person’s existence in the immediate future. For example, you say hello to a friend passing on the street – that friend pulls a knife and threatens to kill you – your life now hangs on their intentions. Your future is now incredibly uncertain. Terror ensues.

I believe that that is all terror is. Of course, you can attribute it to the uncertainty of your financial future: it would dramatic end your life as you know it. Terror ensues.
Aptly named “Terrorists” from around the globe use this uncertainty as a weapon of war. Consider a tube journey before the July 7th terrorist attacks on the London underground and comparison it with a tube journey after the attacks; in a manner of speaking, the London Underground is no longer the safe haven it used to be, hence, a quick trip on the tube suddenly becomes a questionable decision.
When that occurs, the terrorists have prevailed.

Terror also affects us in the more mundane but immediate ways also. Before the explosion of the internet, (snail) mail chain letters that foretold death and destruction to a family unless the mail was copied and distributed between 10 or more people was incredibly rampant. Maria Jane Radcliffe, the recipient of a chain letter in the early 1990’s went on record describing the entire situation abhorrent adding:

“For however creative they are, they leave you with a sense of unease about the future. An unknowing that makes you question whether you should pass them on whilst at the same time knowing that if you do, your misery will be shared by another family”

Of course, internet chain e-mails and text messages quickly followed. If you have ever been the recipient of one (a nasty one that is) then you will know of the genuine horror and the immediate questioning decision “Should I pass it on?”

Of course, the more superstitious amongst us nowadays read only the first few lines, affirm it is a chain letter or a hoax and quickly disregard it – but is that superstition? Not wanting to read the rest in case it would be true?
And many other chain letters are merely money scams which, although they are not threatening, are sinister in their approach; by pretending to be a person on their deathbed or pleading you send money to feed a dying child. Naturally, we have become desensitized to these as we have become more aware of the internet and its uses, but the scarier chain letters/mails still provoke enough reaction that we dismiss them without reading the entire contents.

On a more personal level, terror has a tendency to strike when our family or children are in immediate danger. Consider the drastic changes in how parents used to let their children play 10 years ago as opposed to today. The immediate danger that the child may face a paedophile or sex-offender and get snatched is terror inducing enough to prevent most parents now a days to confine their children to the back yard or even their own house. Even though there may not be a registered sex offender living anywhere near the area of a family, the chance that there could be one is just a risk too much to bear.

So how do we function in the face of unwavering terror? The short answer is we do not. Rather, we tend to put scenarios and circumstances we cannot comprehend at that time to the back of our minds; at least until the situation has become more demanding of our attention.

Terror (whilst still a fascinating subject) leaves a lot to be desired on the human psyche.  The sweeping changes it has made on society over the last 10 years have been drastic enough to change our very thoughts and feelings on life (as we know it) itself.

It's Science VS again!

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I was going to continue my post on “Terror!” as I did end it rather abruptly (it was getting on a bit late) but I’m afraid the second part of Terror and the nature of terror will have to wait as today, I came across a rather juicy article in the national newspaper “The Daily Mirror”

It would seem Professor Stephen Hawking has been at it again! Not content with angering the UFO and Extra-terrestrial life enthusiasts around the globe with his assumption (read about it HERE) that we should avoid contact with other Alien races as they might very well have hostile intentions, he has gone a step further (a leap or two in fact!) and decided to proclaim that God did not create the universe as we know it.

In his latest book “The Grand Design” Mr Hawking writes:

“Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist. Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing. It is not necessary to invoke God”

It would seem Mr Hawking has changed his mind since his 1988 bestseller “A Brief History of Time” in which he attributed the creation of the universe to a “Higher-being” – but I am not just reiterating a news story though – we need to question the reasons why Mr Hawking has changed his mind so dramatically over the past 20 years.

Also, the incredibly funny “Knee-jerk” reaction by Lewis Ayres (Professor of Theology at Durham University) who says, and I quote:

“Hawking is a modern atheist. He thinks that suddenly science comes along and says here are the answers and explanations, so therefore we don't need God.
But smart Christians do not think that if you can explain things by laws of science then God does not exist.”

Although Mr Hawking did neither confirm or deny the existence of God, leaving Lewis Ayres and his deliciously funny knee-jerk reaction (“There is too a God!”) looking slightly un-progressive within the religious community.
All Mr Hawking said was that the Universe created itself, not that “The universe created itself, therefore, God does not exist.

It would seem creationism VS science is still a war raging on behind polite smiles. Couldn’t science merely be the answer to “How God did it” and not “Why we exist”? I personally think “Smart Christians” should be a little more open-minded towards the scientific community.

I myself am agnostic. Religion is a fascinating subject though and one I would like to explore more in future articles.

Until that time, I will leave you with the raging debate that Mr Hawking has set out. What do you think? God created Gravity? Right?

Check out tomorrow for a more in depth look at the nature of terror and how it affects not only individual people but society.

TERROR!

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I will keep this brief as I have a pretty interesting observation to share, but first!

I’ve decided that it is time to make a concise choice about which direction I want this blog to take (Is it a ranting page? Is it another celeb-wannabe party chaser? Etc) and I’ve decided to go with my very first idea but on a wider scale.

When I first started my blog over 2 years ago, I had a somewhat fantastic idea that it would be some amazing biography into my life and the way I live – it quickly turned into an emo-shithole.

Instead, I’m going to try and focus on the human-“species” as a whole and surrounding emotions and possibilities/problems they face – from the abstract to the ordinary – the mundane to the macabre – the normal to the Para.

My mantra is going to be “Less of me, more of t’other” – I will be leaving the old posts there as they do represent a turning point for me – but for now, let us focus on the world as we perceive it.

MJx

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The title is rather apt, for the introduction and the subject matter.

Last night, having spent the entire day thinking about what topics to cover, I decided it was time for some brain-candy and rented a movie over Xbox Live called “The Crazies”.

I’ve always been interested in horror movies; since I saw the very first Nightmare on Elm Street I’ve been captivated by not just the stories in them, but the way the characters in them react to situations. Plus, we always like to be scared, right?

Well, “The Crazies” was shit. I’d give it 2-stars at most. It tried to be a survival-horror but ended up more like a “Weird shit is happening all around us, we have no clue what’s going on (and nobody elaborated – at all) so let’s grab a gun and try to make it to another town?” movie. There was no emotive recourse at all, the characters, you couldn’t relate to them because they were essentially hollow.

I digress though; whilst watching the movie, it got me thinking about “Terror” – or more rightly, the nature of terror and how we would realistically act when faced with extreme circumstances. Please follow my imaginary example:

A very nasty (and experimental) virus that turns people into zombies has been released and there is a worldwide epidemic. Living has now become a challenge by itself. You need to make it from your home (where you have been quarantined, hoping beyond hope it was just a flu outbreak) to the nearest port where you will be shipped to sea until the infected eventually die out.

Here are your variables. These I am forcing on your imagination to promote limitation:

• There is no cure (that you know of)
• The nearest port is 300 miles away.
• You’re going to have to travel with any other member of your family (that you choose is not infected.)
• Your supplies are very limited – you will need to stop on the way there to restock your supply of gas, food and water.
• There are other survivors trying to survive who will not be as courteous when they search for their supplies.
• There will be survivors on the road; a lot of them will be mentally unstable due to stress.

Now be honest: How would you react if you found yourself in such a situation? I know it is easy to see the better parts of ourselves; where we focus on the way we organise our lives. For example, if you’re thinking along the lines of “Well, me and my family will just drive to Wall Mart, steal what we need and then move on until we get to the port!” then stop and be as honest as you possibly can.

Will all your family fit in the car? If not, is travelling in two or more cars safer? What will you take when you get to Wall Mart? The nature of stealing in itself is a shameful act (or at least it should be...) so add that to your current mental state.

What about survivors you see along the road? Not all of them are going to be lucky and live – not all of them will be friendly... you’re probably going to need to kill a bunch of them and killing a person is not like it is in the computer games. Add more stress onto your already over-stressed mind.

It’s the easy answers, the “oh I will do this and this will happen” that derides from the very “pleasure” of terror. We ride roller-coasters, but we never forget we are strapped in. Rationality provides a comfort-zone from chaos.

Me? I know for a fact that if the situation above were to happen to me, I would not be able to hack it. Fight/flight is irrelevant here, I would make a mistake somewhere along the line, an obvious one, that would result in my demise. And all because I was too stressed out and terrified by the situation to think rationally... but that is just me.

Consider the same scenario, only this time, your walking to your car and somebody jumps out from the shadows and grabs you from behind. Their intentions are unclear, there appearence unexpected. It is easy to say "I'd kick their asses!" but in reality, would you? Or would you be too shocked by the current experience and the future uncertainty to act coherently?

Don’t think “I WILL” act like this... think “WOULD I” act like this... – now isn’t the uncertainty scaring you?

Is that all terror is? An emotional reaction based on the uncertainty of the immediate future? I’m not talking fear here, fear is a powerful emotion to have – terror is debilitating to your thought process. Whilst fear would stop you making the same mistake twice, terror would let you continue repeatedly on the off chance that it might end your current emotional stress.

Question movies and literature too, how characters in a book or movie would react to certain situations; character based traits that are defined not by the individual, but the stereotype said individual encompasses.

For example:

The “Jock” that acts like the alpha-male primate. Willing to kill to protect himself and can amazingly manage to maintain an erection even when his friends around him have died.

The “cute-but-dim cheerleader” who runs into her bedroom closest (the universal hiding place for blonde girls in movies it would seem) and not out the door towards the police station.

One an instance of self-preservation - the other an instance of self-annihilation. Both motivated by literary terror.

Terror is really a fascinating thing. As human beings, we look at it from a distance and we (as curious as we are) wonder what it is like. We even try to emulate it by riding roller-coasters or visiting spooky and haunted houses in the dead of night. But as I said before – we ride roller-coasters knowing we are buckled in and we visit haunted houses to “investigate” with groups.

As old an emotion as it is and it is used today against us as weapons; to spread doubt and uncertainty amongst the masses of the world. Is rationality its opposite?

What terrifies you?

The Good Old Days of Dream.

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Back to basics. Easy on the eyes black and white with a few soft blue-grey's thrown in to tingle the Iris'.

There is something so much more elegant to black and white than their is the brighter (and nobler) colours. Something... not to sound ever-so-weird... but something primal about them. Almost as if they were the first to exsist; white chalk on a coal base...

Ok, getting weird - so moving onto weirder; Ive been having prophetic dreams again. Either that OR my intuition is being a bitch; suffice to say, most of what ive been dreaming has come true.
Granted, ive not been stuck in a cave surrounded by prehestoric lizards/dinosaurs that want to eat me (there were like 1000 of them!) AND my mother hasnt run up a £800 phone bill phoning my uncle Brian (who lives pretty close by) in L.A.

More mundanes things have been happening though, things that in a dream dont really stick out but when they happen in real life, its like "HOLY CRAP I DREMT THAT!" - like, during one dream a part of my front tooth fell out and I put it in my pocket and just went ahead with the dream and the next day: WHAM! "Where did that door come from? Gah I chipped a tooth!"
OR the dream about getting three bills at once... and then getting them in the post the next day.
Mundane right? Even my dreams are getting less adventurous. Kinda.

But still, random acts that even my intuition couldnt prodict... right? You dont bump into doors and chip your teeth every day do you?

I dreamt some other stuff too and it has really got me thinking... mostly stuff about 9/11 - which is obvious as the date is comming up that i'd be thinking about it - I DO have a tendency to overly worry - but basicly in my dreams, it happens again, 10 clicks to the west of where they fell the first time, and on a very unexpected community.
Other stuff is mostly aspect of my life best left for porn movies... god I hope THAT ONE happens... (vauge, yay)

I cant explain it... it's strange. We're all intuitive to a degree I suppose. But still... it's bugging me a degree further

Fail.

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So I didnt win the lottery - which means I have to abstain from smoking and alcohol for at least another week. Although, having the morale high-ground ( aka the I-Dont-Drink-Or-Smoke-So-Im-Obviously-Better-Than-You-TUDE ) is fun... a little.

Ok, I lie, I want to get drunk and smoke until my lungs stop functioning and my liver starts to bleed out my anus but I cant afford it! Dammit! ... at least, until I win the lottery... or rob a bank/shop/faceless corperation... which I probably wont end up doing... probably.
Like that guy I read about in the news years ago, when he heard he only had a week to live, he went out and robbed a bank for the heck of it. He didnt hurt anybody. He just decided to rob a bank to see how it felt.

My issues with self-sabotage aside; money is becomming an issue. When is it ever not though huh? And it doesnt help that whenever I got to the bank, the very attractive cashier smiles wryly and says:

"Did you know YOU qualify for a loan for X amount at 8% interest APR?"

"Me? HA! Have you actually seen my credit rating?!"

"...Yes... we're your bank - but its just a small loan!"

He might as well have added a "lighen up baby!" to the end of that. It would have given him a little more character... make him seem more of a banker in the 1990's. When loans were given out like opium in Iran.

Still, its tempting, to take a loan and just... y'know... fuck off to another country. But knowing my luck, they'd hire the local bailifs of Botswana to collect my straw and mud hut. And i'd be standing there like a local screaming "NO! NOT MY RED CROSS STOVE!"

I digress though - I have no money to live a frivolous lifestyle and im not getting any younger.

What to do hm?

Rational Me?

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Woo! Witty title alert! Regardless, this is just another post to write for the sake of writing. I’m determined to do it and maybe if I can break into a small routine with my blog, I can finally put my mind at rest and stop thinking I’m not "good" enough.

Something has been bothering me lately on T.V. and it isn’t the crappy shows they're putting on. Heck, I don’t even watch that much T.V. at all, so I guess I’m not the expert, but this has been in the news, and it is annoying me.

People are getting pulled from the X Factor because they have a mental illness, suffer from depression or have had nervous breakdowns in the past. The TV company (because of public feedback, thank you very much Susan Boyle) has decided that those who are "significantly mentally unstable" should not be allowed to participle in the national talent show.

This annoys me for the following reasons:

•    They pulled the people HALFWAY through the process, so they had already been approved.

•    They were vague with their descriptions (Significantly mentally unstable? Whut?)

•    The public are not questioning this decision. At all.

The last one is REALLY hitting the proverbial anger-button. Nobody seems to think this is a bad idea except me.

Why are we focusing on people with mental disabilities? Are we less than human? And with hardly any medical records to go on beforehand, isn’t this down to personal perception rather than cold hard fact?

I will concede, some people cannot be rational, at all. They cannot process coherent thought and possibly live in a fantasy land where they have tremendous talent. So when the proverbial bubble is burst, they cannot comprehend what the fuck just happened to them and have a break down. But why should the people with genuine talent AND a mental illness be blighted by this?

Perhaps the TV station would have been more subtle if they had all the people with mental illness taking part in the show wear white armbands. Or ever, perhaps, neck signs that read "Don’t laugh at me, I can’t help it."

It is a double-edged sword. Not everybody can be can be on record to declare their mental health as stable so why take the chance? But at the same time, why discriminate? People with bi-polar work in politics.

The stigma that surrounds mental health is increasingly reaching unacceptable levels. TV talent shows can’t be to blame for a person’s mental well-being. Yet, they should not deny those who have a mental illness the right to participate.

Probably the most INSENSATIVE thing I will ever comparison - EVER!

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I used to work in journalism - I knew very well that when they needed to bend the truth to give the story that added bit of razzle-dazzle, they will throw journalistic credibility to the wind and go for it.

With that in mind, I make my comparison:

Living in Iran today must be exactly the same as living in a very steamy and seedy (noir) novel about Authoritarianism, Corruption AND the peoples rebellion against the state.
Apparently, with the streets the Taliban police so well below them, in the buildings above they're taking opium that cost less than a candy bar and indulging in wild orgies for weeks at a time, moving from place to place so they don’t get caught.

Sure, there is the strife about the few poorer families who aren’t really getting off on the entire state but living through the hell of it. And there are the authoritarian matriarchal women who police the street just so they can report women wearing lipstick - but above all of that, encompassing it all, below the radar of religious conformity is a society rebelling in (possibly) the best possible way ever.
Banned from taking drugs, drinking alcohol or having sex outside of arranged marriage, they are bingeing on opium, swigging back home-made alcohol (rumour mill suggests it's 30% proof) and having orgies. So Iran has basically turned into a Raymond Chandler novel.


The risk these people are taking - they know quite well, heck the world knows the risks from outside - and they don’t care. They do it. And this is not a handful of people, this is not a few stray gangs kicking up a storm to rebel against the system, this is 40% of the people.


To comprehend the risks - you get an STD, you're fucked. Doctor reports it to the local Taliban if you're not married so you're stuck with it. Get pregnant? Got a knitting needle to hand? Or pay random woman to pour cold tea down there until it snuffs the little one out? Oh get caught with your pants down and get it either stitched up of cut off.


This is a world where authority to God is unquestionable weather you like it or not. A world where you will conform to their ideals or you will not live to rebel. And yet 40% of the population is daring to live outside the rusting Iron-grip that is maniacal authority.


That is fucking awesome. Foolish. But fucking awesome.


They are living 1984 people. I’m not really envious as I have my freedom (and im only writing this to write something) but - Just wow.


Read the newspaper report HERE

The "Good" Fight.

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I think, to a lesser extent, I have began to develope a sense of equilibrium. I have lived this unrelenting drama for the past six years of my life and I finally think I am nearing the "put up OR shut up" point of it. Im vieing for a third option myself.

I know, I mentally have these flights of fancy "Oh im going to run away!" or "Oh im going to kill myself!" but I think for the first time in a loooong time I have come to realise that both of those options are just not possible at the time (provided I dont accidently die... )

Since I wrote that letter to myself about my inability to write, I fell into a useless despair - I finally had nothing and I could accomplish nothing. I was worth nothing and I doubted I would ever be nothing. Well, during that time in the emotional pit, there was no other escape from my emotions other than watching the people around me.

I dont like what I see if im honest, but when are we ever fully content? I think though, that I am ready to start writing again. And that is an accomplishment for me. Just the drive to start.

Ive been having dreams. Odd dreams. Night after night about random events and happenings. I had a dream my mother was trying to make a phone call to LA and didnt seem to mind that her phone bill was £800.
Some dreams I cannot remember, but I have woken feeling disturbed by them - disturbed enough to feel glad that I was awake. And if you know me, you know how much I love to sleep!
So perhaps my imagination is beginning to kick-stark back into action? Perhaps it has grown tired of its inactivity and decided to play out until I release it?

I still feel lonely. There is a friendship void in my life I cannot seem to fill.
It would feel as if all my friends had abandoned me... if I had any to begin with.