Life, The Internet & Family

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In my 26 years of living, I always assumed that internet greifers' would never get the better of me. Considering the hell I went through during puberty and the bullying that tormented me in school - I just always figured there was nothing anybody could say or do to me on the internet that would affect me in a negative way.

What I didnt count on, however, is that one of these very greifers' that seem to adorn every corner of the internet would be a member of my very own family.

After three whole years of avoiding the facebook fad, I gave in - and all because the rest of my family were raving about who said what. I felt left out and made my own page which I didn’t really pay much attention to.
It was fun at first, I got in a poking competition with my sister (If you've never been on facebook, that will sound so wrong) and triumphed my way to the top of the bejewelled leader boards. And then things started to creep in:
Comments on this and that the rest of the family thought. Some of them eyebrow-raising to say the least but nothing major or overly offensive. Until recently.

Having commented on a post of my elder sister on her wall, she abruptly replied "Well you should try and get a proper job and stop sponging off other people" - this being a reference to the fact I am finding it hard to find a job at the minute and currently taking care of my elderly parents.

She seems to be under the assumption that I live out of their pocket's - which is not the case at all - but she refuses to listen to reason.
I put the comment behind me; one-blip out of a life-time of sibling rivalry I suppose. But no - now all I get if I say ANYTHING on my facebook is a nasty comment from her saying exactly (spelling included:

"y dnt u try and get a proper job instead of F&#KIN spongin off other people??"

And it is nasty - do I like my inability to make money? Of course not. Do I want to be 26 years old and look after my parents? Do I fuck! But I have found myself to be quite stuck in this position I am in.

So the other day, when she happened to stop by with her children, I had her out about it. I asked her "Why do you say this? You know what I do and why I do it so why?"

She replied "Oh get a grip, it’s only the internet."

...

You all probably just laughed at that - because, in a sense, it is partly true, but as I opened this post talking about the fact I assumed a greifer would NEVER be able to say anything that affects me in a negative way; I never once imagined that my (MOST EDUCATED AND MATURE) sister would be the greifer.

I’m hurt. Incredibly and horribly so. And not just because she thinks that stuff of me, but because she thinks that just because she said it on the internet, I shouldn’t get so upset about it.

I tell you, all my readers, facebook has a lot to answer for when it comes to the family dynamic. And I ask; could you live your life comfortably knowing what is going on in the rest of your families’ heads?

I deleted my facebook account. That is my answer.

Self-Expression (A letter to Myself)

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I have to say it. I have to get this out because I have to read it back and accept it:

I have been working on a writing project and over the past three days I have been overcome with extraordinary self-doubt when it comes to my ability (or lack there-of) to complete this task.

Needless to say, I have buried myself in endless distractions to prevent myself from doing it. I had to force myself to go over how far I had gotten tonight and... I ending up passing the book over and doing something else instead. Just like always.

I am so fucking angry with myself for doing this. I cannot put down in words how much so I am. I am trying to rationalise my failure to continue this work but I (the real Me) refuses to believe my bullshit anymore.
I hear you all ask "Then why do it? If it is making you feel and act as negatively as this then why bother to persue it?" - it does seem fruitless. But if I stop at this project there where do I start again?

This extraordinary self-doubt I keep on stirring every-time I try is making me question if I should write - write ANYTHING - in the first place. And that idea frightens me. Utterly and completely.

If I didnt do this. If I didnt write... there would be nothing in this world that I can do. Nothing I can claim to have a skill at. Nothing I can give back to this world.

I can live my life quite contently with endless distraction after distraction until I am FORCED to change the way I live (And dont fucking kid yourself, that will happen one day, people dont live forever Michael!) OR I can take a stand now, cast off the less addictive distractions and try to accomplish something.

Please Michael, you need to try.

Please?

Crippled

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Self-doubt again.

The confidence ride is well and truely over then I guess.

I cant even write when I feel like this :(