The World is Turning!

______________________________

There should be more songs about spinning in your desk-chair. I like to spin in my dek-chair, it gives me a much needed mental tidy and makes me feel ditzy...er.

Outside my window is a darkend reflection of a world I cannot possibly begin to experience until I get a driving license. And yet I worry about failing my NEXT test. (march the 5th)

Should I pander to this feeling of situational worry?

Nah.

But am I odd? Is it odd to want a meaningful job? A job that regardless of pay has a meaning and gives you such a place in the world? Perhaps it is odd to want a meaning? As by definition, we are all meaninglessly meaningful.

I need another mental tidy. I shall continue to spin.

New Directions

______________________________

DOWN ALL YOU GLEEKS! DOWN!

Im merely talking about a state of mind. Not mine, for once, but generally.

When you see something or hear something that makes your imagination visualize in a way you have never before... it forces your outlook to go in anther direction.

No, im not drunk or on drugs, im just trying to explain the un-explainable. To share how amazing and thought-provoking a single external-influance can be on the mind, nay, the very imagination of a person.

Something that makes you evaluate your life and see it as if you have never seen it before.

The very concept of age, morality, mortallity, humanity - it all has very little meaning and impact on life as we know it. A future is merely  a world where time no longer exsists but death begins in the womb.

Just collecting my thoughts. Really, my imagination and inspiration just got a kick up their respective-metaphorical anai.

Anger Vibes

_______________________________

I failed my driving test.

Yup, I went and failed it good - with 1 major and 2 minor marks to my name (for my american chums, you're allowed 2 minor marks, but not a single major mark, so 1 major mark = instant fail) and, I must have an anger that leaks into the ether because as the guy turned to tell me, his body-language changed; he became defensive in his seat, crossed his arms, turned his back towards the door, made eye-contact for about a second and then, very very quickly, scuttled out of the car.

I was majorly pissed off (at the time) and even though I didnt say a thing, my "You cannot be fucking serious" expression was working overtime. I felt inside as if I wanted to tear his face off - the vibe that must have made him want to get out of dodge hasty.

I drove home with my instructor who said "Congratulations, you're now exactly like 88% of the general population" before going into a big speech about how there is no shame in failing and how perseverance is the key to success.

All I could think about was the throbbing migrane I was expriencing - as if my brain was giving me a stern telling-off for being such a screw up.

I slept a little, woke up feeling refreshed, shrugged it off and decided to book another test. I pinned the "failure" slip to my notice board - lets let the anger vibe drive me towards my goal!

Im still kinda dissapointed though; all my plans have to go on hold until this is sorted out, and to make matters worse, it's going to cost me £100($140) a try.

Positives to think about:

• At least the next time I will know what to expect!
• I can sleep in tomorrow (yay)
• I can finally have a restful nights sleep without the worry of what tomorrow may bring.

It seems I failed this "Rite O' passage" :P

"Rite of Passage"

_______________________________

So tomorrow is "The Big Day!" or so im told. Tomorrow I take my driving test for the first time ever. After three months of forking out £20 per lesson (one lesson a week), I finally get the chance to show off everything I have learnt in order to gain a document that says I am legally allowed to drive on the motorway.

I didnt really give it much thought at the time, it didnt bother me that the D-day was fast approaching until my instructor said, during an idle conversation about driving, that it is a "rite of passage". As you can imagine - me being the master self-sabatour - my eyes widened with the horrible realization that he was indeed right, this is a huge under-taking that will impact the way I live my life.

So as you can imagine, ive felt this looming-sense of dread all day which is starting to reach its peak as bed-time approaches. To give you a vague idea of how much I am dreading tomorrow:

I am playing the Sims 3 - the only game that can suck away your time like a vaccum-cleaner - to take my mind of... well, time.

But it also got me thinking about the hilarity of the expression "Rite of Passage" and how broad a scope it actually covers. For example, if my first "Rite of Passage" into life was to drink a beer, then I covered that at 12 when I snuck a 6-pack of my dads into my woodland den and got sloshed. If it was smoking, then did that when I was 15, same with my virginity and gay-virginity (yes, a woman did "turn" me :P) so, after driving, what would be next? Having a stable relationship/job/home? Eating my first ever grilled-cheese? What would be the last rite of passage before death? Growing old? Gracefully? Disgracfully?

And what if I fail my "Rite O' Passage? Can you actually fail a Bonifide Rite O' passage?

How did people measure this claptrap?

I digress though. I am not worried about tomorrow, more as I am dreading making myself screw up some how. My driving instructor said I should try to achieve a perfect state of zen before I go, to be dolice, to listen to the comands given and, whilst not thinking about them, do them.

He was quick to add "To the best of your abilities..." to the end of that. Is that a bad sign?

Actually, in an attempt to counter-act negative energy, I made sure my test booking time was at 11:11 - 11 being a powerful cosmic number! 

So start sending those positive vibes out to the universe for me, tomorrow will be an interesting day to say the least!

Another Year Past

_________________________

And behold! For I am another year old.

Yes faithful readers, my birthday came and went so it is time to start the yearly tradition of self-examination!

How did my birthday go? Well, suffice to say even though I canvased hard all through christmas to make sure my siblings, parents and nephews/neices' had amazingly thoughtful presents... the return on my seasonal investment was not matched. Out of 5 siblings, two parents and 4 (old enough) nephews and one neice, I received 1 gift and card.

I realise it is the thought that counts, and I showed a lot of it the last festive season, spending money despite the fact I didnt have it just so they could know I was thinking about them and... well, nothing much in return.

Not that im complaining! What I did receive in return is kinda cool - its a red sportscar. Three door, two amazing flashing blue lights and a red fluoresent light under the suspension that flashes everytime you move it. It handles like a dream and even honks when you press the middle mouse button (which is shaped like a real cars logo) - yes, ok, its a mouse. But the thought counts? ... Right?

So one year older... has much changed for me?

Kinda. I got a really cool desk and chair. And I had a huge mental tidy too. I have my offical driving test comming up on the 17th of this month and I am of the mind that when I pass it, things may become a lot easier for me.

I plan on trying for a new job then too - working locally as a community support assistant until I can get the degree required to go into social work - which I do believe is my calling. I reckon I have a lot to offer the messed-up masses.

I know, if you know my or have followed me during the last few years, you will probably be wondering WTF has happened to me, probably even questioning if im the same person. Well yes... and no. Writing and drawing will always be one of my dreams, but until I can work on those, I need to address my life and the way I live it: I need a stable job with a stable wage. I need friends. I need accomplishments.

Im following my new years resolution to a T heh.

Relationship wise. Still painfully single. Doubt it will change until I change for it.

So here is the plan for the next month:

• Pass driving test.
• Get motivating Job.

I shall keep you updated!