The "Good" Fight.

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I think, to a lesser extent, I have began to develope a sense of equilibrium. I have lived this unrelenting drama for the past six years of my life and I finally think I am nearing the "put up OR shut up" point of it. Im vieing for a third option myself.

I know, I mentally have these flights of fancy "Oh im going to run away!" or "Oh im going to kill myself!" but I think for the first time in a loooong time I have come to realise that both of those options are just not possible at the time (provided I dont accidently die... )

Since I wrote that letter to myself about my inability to write, I fell into a useless despair - I finally had nothing and I could accomplish nothing. I was worth nothing and I doubted I would ever be nothing. Well, during that time in the emotional pit, there was no other escape from my emotions other than watching the people around me.

I dont like what I see if im honest, but when are we ever fully content? I think though, that I am ready to start writing again. And that is an accomplishment for me. Just the drive to start.

Ive been having dreams. Odd dreams. Night after night about random events and happenings. I had a dream my mother was trying to make a phone call to LA and didnt seem to mind that her phone bill was £800.
Some dreams I cannot remember, but I have woken feeling disturbed by them - disturbed enough to feel glad that I was awake. And if you know me, you know how much I love to sleep!
So perhaps my imagination is beginning to kick-stark back into action? Perhaps it has grown tired of its inactivity and decided to play out until I release it?

I still feel lonely. There is a friendship void in my life I cannot seem to fill.
It would feel as if all my friends had abandoned me... if I had any to begin with.